CHREXIT 2021

 20th Nov - 13th Dec 2021

Yo Bleedin' Ho Ho......!

This issue is going to be rather dull, even by my standards, but I thought I would detail what I had to do to get to Thailand for 'Chrexit 2021'. It might come in useful if anyone wants to follow me. The whole process was intensely tedious and full of potential pit-falls and prat-traps. I started this process about 3 weeks before departure.

During a visit to London I dropped by the Thai Embassy to see what was needed. On previous trips visas etc. could be handled on the spot. I was told by a functionary at the door that all applications for anything had now to be done 'on-line' via the internet. Oh woe! So this is what I did in an order which seemed to work, but might easily not have:

1. Booked a flight. Being a cheapskate I booked and paid for the cheapest I could find (at booking.com, having compared others); a non-refundable flight with Austrian Airways via Vienna to Bangkok. I noticed, and then worried, that the turn-round time in Vienna was a mere 25 minutes. "Shit!" I thought. From landing to taking off in a different aircraft at an International Airport in 25 minutes?! From my experience it takes about 10 minutes to get onto a stand after landing and another 15 minutes to off-load passengers before even running to another gate to board the next flight when you should be there at least 15 minutes before boarding. Potential pit-fall 1.  I tried, for the first time, to ring Austrian Airways for clarification. After 35 minutes of listening to the Vienna Waltz and a recorded "our agents are here to assist you and will answer your call as quickly as possible", I gave up.

2. The rule, for 'vaccinated' tourists (and I have had my two...just to enable me to escape...ha ha) is that you have to be booked into what they call an 'Alternative State Quarantine' (ASQ) Hotel for one night. It involves being collected at the airport, driven to a hospital facility where they give you a PCR test, and then taken on to the hotel where you are put into a 'quarantine' room. On receipt of a 'negative' result you are free to go where you want. Potential pit-fall 2. After much searching I eventually found what I considered a suitable hotel (The Holiday Inn Express, Pathorn) in an area near Silom Road which I know reasonably well. The cost of that first night was about £120, paid for in advance. Similar to cost at all other ASQ hotels. I chose, for convenience, to book a further 4 nights here (via booking.com) at £30 pn, to be paid on arrival, thankfully.

3. Increased my insurance cover abroad to 45 days (£50). Through a bank account I get free coverage for 30 days, and the company (Allianz) were responsive and helpful. They even answered the phone promptly which is exceptional these days. Plus they were aware of the single page document needed to cover Thai requirements, and they e-mailed me a copy after two days. A pat on the back for them.

4. Applied for the necessary 'Thailand Pass' on-line. This, I was informed, needed to be submitted at least a week before travel and may be refused if not 'correct'. Potential pit-fall 3. This involved answering many questions and scannning several documents to attach in JPEG format. Lots of personal details including proof of booking at the ASQ hotel, confirmation of flight details, insurance cover to include a Covid clause, proof of vaccinations plus the QR codes, passport photos and copy of passport including pages to show where I had been in the previous year and even a bank statement to show that I had sufficient money (how impertinent)! Maybe more that I have forgotten. I did receive it about 4 days later. Actually, I'm not sure that they  even read and assimilate this myriad of information. The insurance document I sent was from an old company and well out of date before I got my new one. 

5. Applied for 60 day visa (£30). Not the usual simple form. Many more scanned attachments required as above. Potential pit-fall 4. OK, got that fairly promptly!

6. Four further attemps to call Austrian Airlines (an Austrian Tel. No.) to clarify the viability of the turn-round time at Vienna. A total of about 3 hours listening to the sodding Vienna Waltz and assurance that my call "will be answered as soon as possible" but never was.

7. PCR test within 72 hours of travel. £69 pre-paid to a company called Prenetics which had a testing facility relatively nearby; one of many (wealthy) organisations that are making a bomb out of these regulations. I had my test on the Saturday mid-day before I was due to fly on the Monday evening. Potential pit-fall 5. Result, fortunately negative after some stressful waiting, received on Sunday afternoon.

8. Advised by Austrian Airlines to check-in on-line within 72 hours of flight. I attempted that, but having answered the various questions with all the details they required, the system then just told me that I had not submitted 'additional details required'. What these were was not explained. They offered a specific 'check-in' help-desk tel.no. I called it, twice. Guess what? The bloody Vienna Waltz again and no answer for a total of about 90 minutes. I gave up and hoped the check-in at the airport would be more straightforward. Potential pit-fall 6.

9. Still worried about the very short turn-round time at Vienna, I checked in, on-line, a hold bag (£50) which I wasn't intending to do originally. This was a form of insurance as, from previous experience, if they load transit hold baggage the flight will not depart until it's owner is on the plane. I found an old damaged suitcase in which I put very little and wouldn't mind if they lost it. 

10. Copied all the relevant documents, twice, to be put in both my cabin bag and my small 'valuables' computer back-pack.

11. I gave myself masses of time to get to London Heathrow (T2) on the basis that I would have plenty of time to, maybe, sort out any unforeseen problems at the airport. Anyway, I might as well sit around at the airport rather than at home, because the flight was not due to depart until 7.40pm. As it happened, I arrived with 4 hours to kill and could check-in straight away. It was quick, no big queue and all appeared to be in order (passport, vaccination certificate and Thailand Pass), phew, and through to departures with no hiccups. I have a routine if I have ages to kill at these airports. I find a business class lounge, in this case Lufthansa, and paid £30 for the privilege of using the facilities. These included good wi-fi, comfortable seating and, significantly, unlimited complimentary, and rather good, food and drink. I had a newspaper to read and a good book. I most definitely made sure I got my £30's worth!                            

Back on my hobby-horse, it was interesting watching my fellow 'business class' diners. It is now apparent that the public have become Pavlovian in their wearing of face-masks. Like robots, they sit down and remove them to eat and drink, but unthinkingly, automatically, replace them when they stand up. Most of the public have been entirely 'conditioned' thus. I suppose, as we all know, the 'virus' does not exist below an altitude of 5 feet. Actually a couple sitting near me kept their masks on the whole time and only slipped them down to take a bite, or sip, and quickly replaced them. Really zealous 'TIM's! Incidentally, when some people take their snot-rags off to eat they just put them on the table beside them. I reckon that is rather unhygenic. I mean, it is about as healthy and appealing (if it were possible) to eat with your underwear, or snot filled hankerchief, on the table beside you! I stuff mine in my pocket which, by now, must be a breeding ground for every sort of bug.

Having successfully surmounted all the hurdles so far (and we haven't got to the far end yet) I was quietly confident as our flight was called for boarding. What could go wrong now? I will leave it there for the time being and hope it might help others. I suppose the lessons I learnt were:

1. Don't ever bother telephoning Austrian Airlines. Others may be equally unresponsive.

2. Don't even think about travelling if you don't have a computer and a reasonably sound ability to use it (or a savvy friend, or agent, to help I suppose).

3. Give youself plenty of time to jump through all the hoops, and spare time if one of the applications fails first time.

4. The Thai Embassy offers helpful advice on their website at: thaiembassy.com. Don't bother ringing them either. They also keep you on hold and never answer.

On to Gate 19 and boarding. 

Left: My Thailand Pass. I have deleted my name at the top, and I suppose anyone could insert their's. It wasn't scanned at either Heathrow (where you had to show it) or at the Bangkok end either. But I suppose they could, maybe should, have done.

It is date specific, in my case arriving on 14th December. If your flight is delayed and you don't get there until the next day I'm not sure if it would still be valid. You would also lose your ASQ hotel booking. It would be a disaster. Potential pit-fall 7.

STOP PRESS !!!!

Disregard all above! On my way out of the hotel for a well deserved glass of cool beer I was talking to the hotel manager. He glumly told me that the Thai Government, as from 18th December, has reimposed severe quarantine restrictions for tourists. Now back to square one. No more one night quarantine in QSA hotels. Now tourists have to go to Phuket (a popular island off the SW coast) and isolate, expensively, in a hotel for 7 days with several tests before they are allowed to go free. This he said is a hammer blow to the tourist industry which was only just beginning to recover. Many people who had recently got their jobs back wii again be out of work. Tourists will just not come. A two or three week holiday will no longer be viable. He was, to say the least, pissed off.

What a load of BOLLOCKS. The world's Governments have gone STARK RAVING PARANOID MAD. What on earth are they hoping to achieve (because they won't stop this pesky over-hyped virus) other than crippling their ecnomies and peoples' livelihoods. All very depressing.

STOP STOP PRESS

Disregard all above, again. Another change. All Thai passes applied for prior to 22nd December, if accepted, will be honoured for the date chosen. From 22nd December only the 'Phuket Sandbox' scheme (sounds like something for cats) will apply. This means fully vaccinated tourists can fly direct to Phuket (without transiting at Bangkok) and after taking a PCR test at Phuket, if negative, stay in any Phuket hotel and free to wander the island. After 7 days they can escape to the mainland. 

This is pretty nonsensical but, hey ho, the Thai Government likes to be seen to be doing something.

MORE FRUSTRATIONS AND EVENTS

 

Dec 2021

I have just discovered that I started a blog back in September and failed to finish it. I have escaped UK and am now in Thailand. Lots to report from here, not least the hassle involved in getting here. But before I do, and with time on my hands, I belatedly complete the September issue! Somewhat 'old hat' but I've started, so I will finish!

This rather sums it up.

 

No journal entries for a few months thanks to the complicated, rip-off and pointless Covid testing system, continuing changes in 'rules' and the fact that the places I want to go to won't let tourists in. I just ain't been anywhere worth writing about. The world has gone stark raving paranoid bonkers and there is no real end in sight, yet. Sanity might return one day, but who knows. 

So, to pass the time and let off a bit of therapeutic steam, I thought I would mention my current favourite gripes. The list seems to be forever growing! Some may ring true with a few of you. 

1. Road works. For reasons I won't bore you with I have to travel regularly to London Heathrow airport. I drive down the M4 motorway. This motorway has been undergoing 'roadworks' for at least the past 6 years and seems no nearer to being completed. I begin to think it is merely a 'job creation' scheme. Thousands of bollards line the road where nobody ever appears to be working. I suspect that is just cheap storage space. Speed restrictions vary, seemingly at random, no doubt designed to trap motorists into paying fines.

2. 'Wokery'. In general, involving:

    a. Obsession with 'racism' and the BLM nonsense.

   b. Historic #Metoo allegations, indeed all 'allegations' where the alleged against is automatically considered guilty without trial.

  c. Anti-colonial issues regarding our statues, houses, ancestors and impressive history.

    d. Hoohah about transexuals (who cares?).

  e. Policing of speech involving de-platforming of speakers (usually by pathetic emotionally fragile students and supported by their feeble academic 'leaders').

    f. 'Eco-warriors' with their unrealistic demands to stop all fossil fuel production in UK. Which would put thousands out of work and leave us to import more expensive gas/oil/electricity from less abstemious nations (ie Russia!).

  

3. Face masks.  My bête noir. Not only uncomfortable and de-humanising but I am increasingly convinced that they are not effective in reducing the spread of this virus. Also, if not used correctly, are merely 'bug collectors' which actually help spread it! They certainly spread anxiety.  I have read several papers on the subject which confirm this. Indeed, my highly scientific video demonstration (Single  Life, 5 blogs back, 23rd March) shows why to my satisfaction.  Unfortunately the ever unthinking, unquestioning and compliant public have been scared into wearing them. They like to conform with their peers (the Bandwagon Effect). They merely serve as 'comfort blankets' or a form of 'virtue signalling'. I have coined a rather rude acronym, 'TIMs', for those who continue to wear them, especially those who do so in the open air where there is a non-existant chance of contracting the virus. It stands for 'Tw@ts In Masks'. I shall be refering to them. Are you a 'TIM'? 

4. Hand sanitiser. This revolting sticky gunge is forced upon you at various places nowadays. I'm sure it does your immune system no good and, again, merely a signal that you are being virtuous. I don't know how the human race has, up to now, managed to survive without it. We used to be content just to wash our hands. Some people, as with face-masks, have become robotically conditioned to accept it as normal.

5. Rip-off Covid Testing.  If required at all it should be free on the NHS. After all, the NHS has just been given another mind-blowing £39 billion of our money. I don't know what else they have, or will spend it on? I suppose it does keep many, sometimes dodgy, testing companies well remunerated so, along with face-mask and hand-sanitiser manufacturers and all the Big Pharma companies there are many beneficiaries from this 'panicdemic'.

OK, enough of my happy whingeing. At the beginning of September I went to a 'Game and Country Show' at the Newbury Showground. This was a very jolly ocasion and well attended (it was in a period between lockdowns. Happy days!).

There were several jazz bands (left) and a multitude of bars, eateries and stalls selling all sorts of 'country' gear, together with laser, paint-ball and clay pigeon shooting stands. Craftsmen were demonstrating carving large trees into intricate statues using chainsaws. There were gun dog 'obedience' displays which, on several occasions, amused the crowd by showing how disobedient they were. Stage fright no doubt.

As always, my poor photography does not do the proceedings justice. There was a large enthusiastic crowd but my photos don't really show it. In between 'displays' I spent some time sitting drinking ale and just people-watching. It is the first sizeable event I had been to in years and I was amazed, indeed concerned, that so many of the spectators were so fat! Obese even. Maybe the preceding lockdown had something to do with or, as I suspect, we have just become a very 'fat' society. Not healthy (and I'm no paragon of virtue here!).

Right: Pony racing. There were two races over small jumps which were fiercly contested.

Left: An intriguing sign. 'Hamsters this way'. I hope hamsters can read. Anyway I went to have a look.

How educational! having taken little interest in hamsters during my life I hadn't realised there were so many varieties. Maybe you can tap on and enlarge this to read. I bet you are fascinated.

Left: Live specimens were on display and, for a price, children were encouraged to pick one up and 'cuddle' it. Do they bite? 

The only similar creatures I have come across are guinea pigs, especially in Peru  (Cuy) where they are bred to be eaten. I suppose there is not enough meat on a hamster to make it worth the effort. An 'amuse bouche' on a cocktail stick maybe?

Notice the 'hand sanitiser'. Perhaps necessary here?

Right: Cuy chactada 'n chips.

Left: Meant to read: Portsmouth Reptile & Amphibian Society. Live exhibits now on display include snakes, lizards, spiders, frogs and something beginning with 't'.

Yes, I went to look at various reptiles which, for the most part, were hiding in straw at the back of their cages. Snakes were available to be picked up. I didn't. We were told that there were no venomous ones present. Pity.

Right: A motorcycle and quad-bike daredevil display team called something like 'The Suicide Squad' performed some interesting aerobatics. One display had motor bikes leaping increasing distances over a parked van. This pic was only at mid-range. Nobody crashed. Quite impressive.

Left: This lunatic kept setting himself on fire and running up and down the arena.

Right: Ultimately he was put out. 

Left: Not to be deterred, he than set himself alight again and jumped from a platform into a safety net. I wonder if he had an unhappy childhood? With this inclination he must have been a worry to his parents. 

I'm not sure I would want him to visit my home, or at least I would keep the matches well hidden.

OK, lots more was going on and I missed the stock car race and tug of war competion. All in all a good day out.

Right: Some of you may have read the account of my trip to the Island of Lulok (May/June 2020). Having installed a flagpole at home I got hold of a 'rare' Lulok flag..........

,,,,,,and flew it!  Not many people in the UK will have done that, I suspect.

Right: Curious! Apropos of nothing,  I was wandering back from the shops and saw this lonely shoe on the footpath. It sort of intrigued me for a moment. Who could lose a shoe, seemingly in good nick, and not notice? There must be an obvious answer. Maybe someone had just lost a leg?

Having acquired the flagpole, it was decided to make some use of it. So, on Armistice Day (11/11/2021) we, a suitably senior (doddery) gathering, held a ceremony which involved a reading, a bit of bugllng (by the lady in red who normally plays the cornet for the Town Band), observing the 11.00am silence, the raising of a flag and, of course, plenty of refreshments.

The pics below should explain all.

Excuse the top hat. Just showing off that I have one.

Below: Norman the Gnome. Fitted with CCTV, he is my diligent sentry.

Right, that has taken us up, vaguely, to the end of November! I will now concentrate  on the task at hand and set to on reporting from Siam, or whatever they call it now.

MY LITTLE COVID RANT

 17th May 2021

Him again.

I started writing this on the 17th May and, due to a serious bout of indolence and lethargy, am still continuing with it on the 24th. Hopefully much has changed in the intervening period to raise some optimism for a swift return to sanity. Anyway, I continue my latest rant from the 17th as a form of therapeutic relief from all the bullshit currently spouted.

*************"""""""""""""""""""""************

Well there's a surprise! As predicted months ago, as soon as any semblance of escape from under the iron fist of a dictatorial government arises, they try to scare us all with another Covid 'variant' or, as Allison Pearson (Daily Telegraph) aptly coined the expression, 'scariant'. This time it's the 'Indian' version which is, of course, much more, 53% (at the time of writing), infectious etc. etc. although how 'they' come up with these figures is beyond comprehension. We were told to expect a 'tsunami' of hospital patients which, of course, has not happened, let alone hundreds of deaths daily. Next month we will probably see the deadly Welsh Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch scariant which, if nothing else, will test their spelling. "Keep 'em frightened and they are putty in our hands" is the philosophy adopted here. It is interesting to learn of the 'Psy Ops' used by various state departments at the start of this panicdemic to 'increase the level of  perceived threat' to make people scared, obedient and subservient. Scientists, 'experts' and the 'sackcloth and ashes' brigade from SAGE etc. are still clanging the plague bell and reluctant to relinquish their acquired taste for totalitarianism. We certainly can't be trusted to take our own precautions. And don't get me started on the BBC news with its weepy reports of someone in hospital gasping for breath (they must prowl the wards looking for them)  and the graphs and charts and daily Covid 'scorecard' with 'deaths for any reason in the past 28 days having tested positive' (even if run over by a bus or some other unrelated illness). The trouble is they have overdone it and now there are still people too frightened even to leave their homes and won't for a long time. The 'miracle' of the vaccine, which has proved remarkably effective, is being over-ridden by yet more caution. I say 'scare us all', but there is a sizeable percentage of the population which is not scared, and never has been.....any more than they would normally be with any bug and want to get on, despite any small risk, with life as they wish. Right from the beginning of this unseemly and devastating (socially, psychologically, economically and indeed medically) long period of 'lockdowns' there has been a large number of people (see the Great Barrington Declaration) which includes eminent epidemiologists, virologists and doctors who advocated protecting the vulnerable and for everyone else to get on with their lives as normal, or take their own precautions. Some hoped that this sensible approach would be adopted here! Countries like Sweden and several states in the US (Florida, Tennessee, South Dakota amongst others) which have either had no lockdowns or restrictions, or binned them completely some time ago, have been no worse off, bug-wise, than those that did lockdown. They have, however, been a lot better off in all other respects. Of course this is not published on mainstream media or mentioned by the risk-averse lockdown zealots. It would spoil their fun, and sense of righteousness. They love all the rules and regulations, however illogical and contradictory, and take great pleasure in snitching on those who break them. Keep us on a leash, is their motto, "for our safety" and will remain so for as long as a single bad bug remains on the planet. Thanks to the devious mind-manipulators the once famously doughty Brits have become a bunch of neurotic wrecks. I wonder when the gullible brainwashed public will see through all this dystopian crap!

As mentioned in a previous blog, I have a particular loathing for the compulsory wearing of 'face-coverings'. I think I have demonstrated (video 2 blogs ago) their ineffectiveness, which has also been proven by some serious trials worldwide. They are to be worn to perpetuate the fear cycle and as a form of 'virtue signalling'.

I am even irritated to see timorous beasties walking down our high streets in the open air cowering behind their masks with only their scaredy little eyes peeking over the top, or through their misted up spectacles, despite having probably had several vaccinations. I call them the 'Triple Cs' (Cringing Covid Cowards....or something ruder). Some only take them off to have a quick 'reviving' smoke. There is a negligible to non-existant chance of picking up this bug in the open air, but you can't get that message through to the bemasked Sids and Dorises who think they are being 'responsible' and 'taking sensible precautions' and 'setting a good example'. There is probably a greater chance of them being hit on the head and killed by falling masonry than dying from contracting a bug. I expect in the not too distant future they will also, sensibly of course, be wearing helmets when out and about. As I pass these self-righteous neurotics in the street I, rather unfortunately, develop a form of Tourettes Syndrome; silent thankfully, for the moment.

Neither do I have a good thing to say about the overuse of that alcohol based hand sanitiser, forced upon you in some places. This stuff gets into your body and kills off the 'good' bugs as well as the 'bad' and consequently reduces general immunity but, like wearing masks, it demonstrates you are being 'responsible' and is done more for show than effect. You wonder how the world has survived for so long without all this.

As with the mad travel restrictions (see previous) I hope I am being unduly sceptical and pessimistic and we will see a  return to complete normality, and I mean complete, very soon, even if overdue. 

I never again want to hear or read that ludicrous and patronising valediction, often at the bottom of e-mails "stay safe"! As if, after a considerable number of years living sometimes in fairly hazardous conditions, I can't look after myself without someone telling me to in the face of a relatively non-lethal virus (unless you are very old/infirm/obese etc).

The latest conversational irritant is when you meet someone whose opening gambit is a rather complacent " 'ave you 'ad yer vaccine yet?" This is sometimes followed up with a smug "I'm 'aving my second next week", or similar. I tend to reply, very politely of course, "mind your own bleedin' business". I am tempted to add "and do you want to see all my medical records?"

Other words, phrases and things I never want to hear of again in general conversation, along with Covid 19, lockdown, face masks and hand sanitiser are, in no particular order: (Anti)social distancing, self-isolate, bubbles, loved ones, tiers, circuit breaker, clapping for anyone (virtue signalling), front line heros, PPE, furlough (unless in the US forces), R rate, SAGE, super-spreader, rule of six, WFH, Zoom meeting, uptick (ghastly Americanism), graphs and score cards, variants, shielding, travel traffic lights and restrictions, quarantine (unless for cats and dogs) and Matt Hancock. I have probably missed a few.

Of course there are several people and organisations who have greatly benefitted, revelled in it indeed, from all this enforced hoohah and are much wealthier/happier as a result, namely: Manufacturers of face-masks, hand sanitiser and other protective equipment, Big Pharma companies (mega-bucks), rip-off organisations that charge for Covid tests, idle buggers (so-called furloughed) who are paid to stay at home to drink beer and watch telly, home delivery companies and all the 'experts' who provide the Government with 'advice'. Needless to say all the politicians and civil servants have not suffered any financial disadvantage.   

That will do for now! I am currently researching further destinations (that will let us in) on the so-called 'green list' following my rather disappointing conclusions concerning Tristan da Cunha. I will be looking at the Faroe Islands and South Georgia for starters. To be reported on next.....

I copy below two interesting (to me anyway) articles from a national newspaper. Unfortunately the first one is in micro-print and you will need a magnifying glass to read it. The second, when I managed to enlarge it from microscopic is legible but you need to scan up and down to read it...and it may not work on this blog format.

SINGLE LIFE 3

10th May 2021

Headline in yesterday's paper 'Hugging family and friends allowed from next week'. How utterly patronising. 'Allowed', I ask you! I never thought we would live to see such a feeble and condescending response to a blasted bug. Still, it could have been worse. They might have made it compulsory.

Also published was the list of countries you can or can't visit on the so called 'traffic light system'. 68 countries were mentioned in either red, amber or green categories. Considering there are 197 countries in the world it covers only about a third of them. So what about the remaining 129? Of the twelve 'green' listed (ie you don't have to isolate on return) some won't even let you in. Others require expensive tests prior to going and quarantine when you get there. That, together with outrageous hikes in air travel prices, makes the prospect of going to any of them entirely unattractive. 

Left: Tristan da Cunha. I noted that Tristan da Cunha is on the 'green' list. Tristan, as it is known colloquially, a British Overseas Territory, is a circular rain-swept volcanic (active) rock, about 7 miles in diameter, in the middle of the South Atlantic. It has a population at the last count of 251. It is also home to a few penguins, the occasional albatross, a few sheep and the indigenous Tristan thrush. It boasts few amenities and the highspots (whoopee!), as mentioned on Tripadviser, are:

• Calshot Harbour
• Post Office and Tourism Centre
• Thatched House Museum
• Albatross Bar
• Tristan da Cunha Golf Club

Having done a little research I failed to discover a hotel or guest house on the island. So it looks as if you would need to bring your own tent or beg some accommodation from a local, plus remembering to pack some good waterproofs.....and perhaps your golf clubs. And a 1st aid kit.

Tristan was visited, or more likely stumbled upon, by various seafarers from the 16th century onwards. The 'Capital', indeed the only settlement, is called Edinburgh of the Seven Seas, or just 'The Settlement' (right) and was founded by a Scottish soldier, a corporal, (probably chucked off a boat) called William Glass in 1816.

It is undoubtedly a very out-of-the-way place and famous for some fairly disastrous geological events, such as the mega-eruption of the volcano in October 1961 which resulted in the small population being evacuated. Probably now due for another one. The top of the vocano at 6765ft is known as Queen Mary's Peak which appears normally to be covered in cloud, or smoke.

Right: A signpost gives some idea of how to escape.

Left: The social hub of the island, the Albatross Bar, where I expect you are given a warm welcome. The local dialect is described as being 'Home Counties lockjaw & 19th century idiom with a smattering of Africaans slang and some Italian. You would probably need a local phrase book.

There is only one resident doctor, probably to be found in the Albatross Bar, and very limited medical facilities, so not a good idea to get too ill. The island's motto is "Our faith is our strength". I expect they need a lot of faith.

Right: Patrons of the Albatross Bar. The food must be plentiful as they don't look as if they are starving. Their staple diet is potatoes. A lot of them by the look of it.

The island is not renowned for its famous inhabitants. Probably the the most famous being Conrad Jack Glass MBE (b 1961), presumably a descendant of Corporal Glass who founded the settlement. He was/is a police officer and former Chief Islander and the first, indeed only, islander to have written a book about the place. It is entitled 'Rockhopper Copper'. I must confess I haven't yet read it. There are probably quite a lot of 'Glasses' on the island.

TV, internet, mobile phone coverage and any other forms of communication are somewhat limited. The daily news is gleaned from the Tristan Times which is no doubt packed with local gossip and salacious scandal. I wonder if a little in-breeding is not the order of the day. 

Tristan therefore appears to be an excellent and healthy holiday destination of choice for the more adventurous traveller or, some might say, eccentric. We are so fortunate that our benevolent Goverment has put it on the 'green list'. However, one slight drawback is that there is no airstrip on the island. The only way to get there is by ship, a 6 day voyage from Cape Town. The problem here is that South Africa is on the 'red list'. Oh drat! 

I think I will just be tempted to go back to the fabulous Lulok Island (Google it) which, funnily enough, doesn't get a mention on any lists.

SINGLE LIFE 2

 12th April 2021

A three-toed sloth.

I have just been listening to the venerable, some might unkindly say senile, Sir David Attenborough wittering on about sloths, both two and three toed varieties. They are probably the most boring and useless creatures ever invented. They live in South and Central America, sleep for the most part of their lives and just hang about, upside down, high up in trees. They are picky eaters of a small selection of leaves and can travel at a max speed 0.15 mph....in emergencies. They come down from their tree once a week to have a crap (very thoughtful of them and much appreciated by ground-based creatures) where they get eaten by jaguars. They can hardly walk at all on the level. They move so slowly that their fur gets covered in green algae. Apparently they can swim, but why they bother was not explained, and get eaten by anacondas when they do so. Up in the trees they get eaten by eagles. They provide easy targets. Zoos tend not to keep sloths because, being hidden and asleep in the foliage 99% of the time, they provide absolutely no interest for visitors. I wondered "what is the point of sloths"? None, as far as I could make out, apart from providing easy take-aways for jaguars, anacondas and eagles.  After living this half-existence in 'lockdown' for so long I know how they feel.

Which brings me on to the subject of the recently appointed Archbishop of York, the Most Reverend and Right Honourable Stephen Cottrell. I have just read a newspaper magazine article on him. 

He, along with other Archbishops, lives in considerable luxury in a palace and is paid a large sum of money. What he actually does to earn it I'm not sure, apart from prancing around his cathedral in a coat of many colours. The CofE hierarchy is not so much a 'calling' as a 'managerial business' nowadays. 

Left: The Archbish. He sports a rather scruffy stubbly beard. Perhaps he is trying to look 'trendy', albeit elaborately costumed in ostentatious robes. According to the article he is very much of the 'woke' lefty-liberal persuasion and probably likes to be called 'Steve' by his friends and flock. He is part of the recent madness of the 'management-shaped' Church of England where, to save money, many parish priests (the foot-soldiers of the Church who do all the real work) have been made redundant. At the same time the hierarchy and middle-management of this Church have been increased with, you know, 'HR', Housing, Finance, Safeguarding, Diversity, Equality, Elf' 'n Safety, and other crucial departments headed by very well remunerated 'managers' (at up to 4 times the salary of a local vicar). He, Steve, is quoted as believing in 'a simpler, humbler structure' while at the same time advertising for a personal Chief-of-Staff on a salary of £90,000 pa.  The advert states: "You will be the Archbishop's chief companion, support and critical friend for developing and refining his vision, aligning his work with the dioceses and central structures of the Church of England, ensuring his time is used effectively and strategically, and making it happen". WTF! This bullshit defies belief. Why can't he do this himself, the lazy git.

He is due to stand in for the Archbishop of Canterbury (ABC) in the near future while the ABC goes on a 3 month 'sabbatical'. Why, and to do what, is unclear; paddling in the sea somewhere, twiddling his thumbs and meditating perhaps? Can you imagine the Chief of the Defence Staff, for example, just deciding to take a 3 month sabbatical? The ABC has only been notable during this mad pandemic period for locking up all the parish churches, not even allowing their vicars to go in, plus the occasional bit of well photographed PR visits to hospitals. So much for taking a positive step to offer support to the humble parishioners. 'Feeble leadership' perhaps describes his contribution.

'Steve' says that while he is standing-in for the ABC nothing will change. Well, whoopee to that. I suspect I'm not alone in thinking that the CofE hierarchy now consists of a cabal of lefty-liberals including the modestly titled 'The Rt Revd Dame Sarah Mullally DBE, Bishop of London' and a black female Bishop of Dover, the Rt Revd Rose Hudson-Wilkin, who is a BLM zealot and who recently condemned the report on racism in Britain because it doesn't accuse us of being sufficiently racist. OK, I'm not an enthusiastic church-goer but with the likes of this lot in charge I'm not likely to become one, and I fear for the future of the CofE. Hence the reference to the harmless, if useless, three-toed sloths which at least don't pretend to be important or cost us a lot of money. If one replaced 'Steve' at York, I don't suppose anything much would change except there would be a refreshing lack of bullshit spouted.

Left: Steve again, hopefully about to have a shave.

Anyway, we have now been subjected to wall-to-wall coverage of the death of Prince Philip. He was indeed a jolly good chap and embodied the type of uncomplaining, straight speaking, hardy and good-humoured characteristics typical of so many of his generation which are sadly lacking in the 'woke', wet, PC tossers mentioned above. The BBC and other media probably did go a bit 'over-the-top' with their coverage, but at least it took blasted Covid off the headlines...for a bit.

At least some pubs and restaurants have semi-opened, but I'm certainly not going to sit outside in arctic conditions and/or the pissing rain for the sake of drinking a pint of beer. Even when we are allowed (everything we want to do nowadays has to be 'allowed') to sit inside, those dreadful face-nappies will be mandatory 'when standing up' but not 'when sitting down'. This fatuous rule was amusingly criticised by someone as like "having a pissing area in a swimming pool". I can see these, often illogical, petty rules and restrictions dragging on indefinitely regardless of whether the whole population has been vaccinated (the so called miracle to get us back to normal) or not. There will always be viruses floating about, as there always have been, and the wimps, and scientists, will now say we have to protect ourselves indefinitely "for our own safety" from everything. We truly live in a totally risk averse, timid and subservient society and will be, remarkably willingly in many cases, nannied unnecessarily forever by this and future governments, fuelled by scare stories on all forms of media (especially the dreaded 'social media' platforms). Our ancestors would have laughed at us.

I have a pretty good idea of what Prince Philip's reaction to all this was, or would be!

That, and all the other bandwagons jumped on so eagerly nowadays such as #Metoo style allegations, victimhood, enforced 'equality', BLM, 'unconscious racial bias training', LGBTQI and associated issues, Greta Thunberg, diversity quotas, de-platforming, hate crime, rejecting our history and pulling down statues etc. etc, let alone x-rated monstrosities like that ghastly Oprah Windbag interview,  would be complete anathema to him. I can imagine his private comments on Ginge & Whinge contained many 'bleeps' for bad language and turned the air a very deep shade of Royal Blue. I expect he felt keen to get out of it all before he was sent doolally. 

I had a rather dull home-bound Easter Weekend and failed to do many of the jobs on my ever-lengthening list of 'things to do'. To amuse myself I tried a do-it-yourself Easter Egg hunt. This was not particularly successful. If you hide the eggs yourself, even being particularly absent minded, it doesn't provide much of a challenge to find them again.

I can't wait to escape.

PS. A plug for one of the best and most amusing books, recently published, which hits lots of nails squarely on the head. 'Stop Bloody Bossing Me About' by Quentin Letts. A must read.

SINGLE LIFE

23rd Mar 2021

Uncle Matt, the Heating Engineer from Boilers-R-Us

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Living alone during this balls-aching and seemingly never-ending 'lockdown' (they will always find another scare story to keep us imprisoned) has its advantages. If nothing else, thanks to all hospitality venues and entertainments being closed and with no means of escaping the country, I'm saving money. I will try to think of a few others later on.

We really are living in a totalitarian 1984esque state at present and, seemingly, a large proportion of the public are happy with this. They like the State to protect them from all perceived danger and pooh-pooh any notion that we should be allowed to assess risks and make our own decisions as to how to deal with them. We begrudge such autocratic undemocratic regimes such as the Chinese Communist Party, but have managed to invent one of our own. At least in such places as China there is an upside, in that what the Goverment wants to do gets done...pronto with 'elf 'n safety' taking a back seat. No faffing around. In our version everything is put to committees, 'focus groups', quangos, elf 'n safety zealots and 'experts'. As a result either nothing, useless compromises or, as is the case at the moment, blanket bans 'in the interest of our safety' result. Pah!

Social life has come to an almost complete stand-still. Having said that there are a few brave souls who happily break the totalitarian rules. One such stalwart is an elderly lady, a friend of mine, who lives nearby. She is 94 years old, slightly doddery on her pins but with a razor sharp brain and great sense of humour. She was a wild fashion model in her youth, an 'it' girl in the 1940s/50s, with a very 'adventurous' social life She is entirely un-PC and un-woke with the mischievous mindset of a 25 year old; altogether great company. She decided, at her age, she would rather risk getting this Covid bug than hide away in solitary confinement. So, being a robust rule-breaker myself, we hatched a plan to allow social visits (she has a stock of very good wine and is an excellent cook) without alerting any possible neighbourhood snitchers.

The idea stemmed from when my house electrics recently failed and I had to call an emergency electrician. He, a charming Polish chap, duly arrived, surprisingly promptly and, wearing a face-mask but with no other 'social' restrictions, came in and sorted the problem out. So, of course, technicians are unrestricted in visiting strangers' houses. Hence I suddenly became a 'heating engineer'. I was summoned to the old lady's house which had conveniently developed a mysterious heating problem. My disguise (see top) featured an official looking hi-vis jacket with 'Boilers R-Us...Heating Engineer' clearly marked on the back, plus a telephone number. If anyone chose to call it they would be introducing themself to a dodgy 'massage' parlour in London. I carried a few tools, including a corkscrew and bottle opener. 

The 'heating problem' took rather longer to fix than expected and involved the use of copious quantities of wine followed by supper and much jollity.

I have developed a loathing for face-masks. As well as being uncomfortable and dehumanising they project an unnecessary and ongoing ‘fear factor’ in our community. Maybe that is the unspoken intention. Also, many studies have shown, both before and during this panicdemic, that they are relatively useless in stopping the spread of a virus. I believe one significant study in Denmark confirmed this. Sadly, a majority of our panicking timid population have been convinced/brainwashed that they are effective and necessary and consequently there is no end in sight as to when they will become purely ‘voluntary’ in all locations while a single virus inhabits the planet. Many people will come to regard them as necessary face-wear for ever, and just as normal, and unhygienic, as underwear! 

Some are unbelievably hypocritical, such as the lone person I saw walking across our park wearing a full face-mask and who only removed it when he sat down on a bench to have a cigarette! You couldn't make it up.

I attach below my highly scientific demonstration of the efficacy of face-masks (or face-nappies as I now call them).

Our tennis club asked for volunteers to help sweep and clean the courts. Myself and another enthusiastic (and equally useless) tennis player set to work for most of the day. Apparently it is 'legal' to do work together like this, but illegal to play a game of tennis. The logic defeats me. After several hours of backbreaking work we sat down to have a spot of well deserved, medically essential, refreshment (left). After about 15 minutes a local 'community' police lady came down to the courts. She had received information that there was a social gathering of 'youths' making merry at the courts. A snitcher had obviously been at work. Actually she was quite charming and we were much amused to be accused of being youths. She said that as she was looking for 'rampaging youths' then that obviously (more's the pity) didn't refer to us. After offering her a cup of coffee she wished us well and departed....saying she was off to find those pesky youths. Full marks to her!

I will add to this in due course as I have little else to occupy my time at the moment. The trouble is that there is diddly-squat of interest to report. I am tempted, in my imagination, to go back to the island of Lulok (see May/June 2020).