LULOK ISLAND. PART 5. THE COAST

28th - 31st May 2020

Cloaca Beach. Vörmit

Onwards to the town of Vörmit which lies, or squats, on the south-east coast about 20 KiloSpurtz (KSpz) from Colostepec. It was a three hour journey by bus (similar in speed and comfort to the previous) along some 'interesting' coastal roads. It is a town famed (in Lulok) for its beaches and 'entertainment' (see Pattaya blog for comparison). A resort of choice for the better-off  and uninhibited Lulokians.

Right: On approach from the south through the suburbs into Vörmit.

It didn't look too promising, but merely an illusion. 

It was quite late when we arrived and after being dumped at the bus station the first sign of lodgings we came across was this place (left). Even by Lulokian standards this looked a bit downmarket.

We then stumbled upon this place, the Vörmit Grande (right) which was by the seaside. Not too bad at all, and cheap.

Left: It even boasted a Lulok flag flying proudly above the main entrance. 

Right: .....and a delightful patio on the top floor facing south with a scenic view over the coast. Plus a bar (closed). It required a bit of reglazing, but plenty of welcome fresh air.....

.......which was just as well because the view to the north was over the dye works (left). As I quickly discovered, dye works use a lot of urine and other foul substances to enhance the process. As such a southerly breeze was relatively fresh and welcome. A northerly one was less than agreeable...indeed that is possibly where Vörmit gets its name from.

By chance we had arrived during the annual four day cultural festival, the 'Vörmit Musicengröeppengrâbbitfest'. Apparently this extravaganza attracts about 5000 visitors. About 10,000 residents take the opportunity to leave.

Right: A party of exiting residents.

Left: The main stage, which appeared to be covered by a large mosquito net. We discovered that this was to protect the 'artistes' from unwelcome bombardment by all kinds of projectiles, often rather smelly ones.

There were several musical, and other less salubrious, events taking place. Although Lulok is not renowned for its popular music contribution on the world stage, the local 'Headliner' act, The SqueeGees (right), performed to rapturous, somewhat heavily infused, audiences. This group was due represent Lulok at the Eurovision Song Contest two years ago (even though not recognised by Europe...or anyone else) but were found to have attempted to bribe and threaten the organisers and were subsequently banned in perpetuity.

Left: A trio of enthusiastic festival-goers who seemed to be enjoying themselves enormously (no pun intended). They requested anonymity.

Right: There were some rather extraordinary characters present. I'm not sure what to make of this chap's breeding but he certainly wasn't lacking in the aural department. Probably good for stereophonic reception. He might have been the Mayor for all I know.

Left: .......or this trendy individual. It rather reinforced my view that dental care is not high on the agenda here.

Right: As with virtually everywhere else in the world Lulok has not been spared the poisonous invasion of MacDonalds. I have a feeling that this establishment, on the outskirts of town, would not come up to Mr MacD's low standards.

The downtown bars were interesting. 

Left: Inside the 'Lolita-a-Go-Go' where several friendly ladies were keen to introduce themselves. I remember I managed to do 'a-Go-Go' relatively unscathed.

Right: Another beautiful enchantreuse wistfully hoping for the chance to have a chat. To be frank I think she was a bit pissed.

Left: A colourful lady decorating the street.













Right: The route back to the hotel past the dye works. You had to be a bit careful where you put your feet.

On returning to the hotel late on the second night we were confronted by this happy Conga of well lubricated visitors celebrating the Spring Harvest. Nikkla couldn't help herself. She joined in (3rd from the left of photo). 

Right: In the recovery suite afterwards. The thing on her head was a locally designed apparatus which was 'guaranteed' to stimulate the brain and provide a feeling of elation and cancel out recent memory. I'm not sure if it worked because Nikkla has limited recent memory at the best of times. Certainly of nights like previous.

Down to the beach (left). There was an off-shore breeze and rather a whiff in the air. To a beachcombing enthusiast this would be a paradise. It was noticeable how few 'sunseekers' were relaxing on the golden/brown (soggy) sands. To be honest I think we were lucky not to have picked up something rather nasty. Nobody had suggested that the 'famed' Cloaca Beach was noted for its pristine cleanliness. Annabella had arrived in her bikini but felt that she should have worn a HAZMAT suit.

Right: Nikkla sampling some local pigs milk cheese. A very unique taste, apparently. She suggested that those cheeses could more usefully be used as weapons.

Left: Annabella after being ripped off when exchanging her money into the local Gröne currency. She ended up with two spliffs and a bag of rübbles (there are 100 rübbles in a gröne).

Right: Nikkla posing on a balcony overlooking the 'posh' end of Vörmit.  They will probably be using this photo for their tourist catalogue adverts.

Left: ....and buying an apple from a local. Nikkla is so kind to the 'underprivileged', as she sees them. She probably paid enough to refuel this lady's Lamborgini in her holiday home in Monaco.

Lastly, for the moment, an embarrassing pic of me dancing with a local at the Festival. Certainly nothing untoward about this. She didn't even ask to be paid.

That was a brief rundown on our visit to the cultural town of Vörmit. On next along the south coast and then back to the capital, Zlakalitze.

Stay with it. More to follow.

LULOK ISLAND. PART 4. THE AZTECS

May 27th - 28th 2020

Titzupitzi Pyramid at Colostepec.

Before we left the village we were invited to supper with some friends and family of Myk (he couldn't come due to a prior fist fight). This was a rare privilege for tourists ('moogins'), but we had paid him a shedload of money! We were advised that there are various local customs involved here. For example, you should always remove to your shoes on entry to the house; not necessarily for hygiene reasons but to have something to hit the family 'pet' with should it attack you. Bring gifts for the family, normally flowers, chocolates or weapons for the adults and cigarettes for the children. If seated on the floor to keep your legs together unless requested otherwise by the 'patron', and to use only your little finger when picking your nose, or anyone else's. Under no circumstances to vomit in front of you, but it is considered a great compliment to fart loudly between courses.

Left: The gathering at supper. It was a jolly occasion only slightly hampered by the fact that none of them spoke English and the only words of Lulokian we had learnt to date were 'hello' (Zpäglü), 'goodbye' (Södyú), 'where is' (gizaclūboyo) and 'help!' (ayee!). Anything else was done using mime. Nevertheless the food was interesting and plentiful. A pig was slaughtered in the kitchen in our honour. Our hostess produced a most delightful beetroot, custard and pig cream trifle, and of course Annabella (due to her allergy) threw up politely behind her after eating some as protocol decreed.

As well as the usual (copious) drinks of blistovitse and beer they produced, as a treat, a vintage barrel of the local red wine; Vimto Domestosca (I think it was called). I have a friend in England who is a Master of Wine and I think this one would have seriously challenged him. Anyway, after coffee and 'substances' it was time to weave our way home which we did mostly on all fours.

I mentioned the 'family pet'. They had one (right). This little bastard patrolled under the table and had a fearsome nip. It provoked much hilarity, pain and swatting with shoes which it, and our hosts, seemed to enjoy immensely. I think it is called a Lulokian Troosa Hund. To be avoided.......or shot.

.....but not so much as the Lulokian hunting dog, the 'Chuserbaltzov' (left), a dog unique to the island, fortunately. I doubt you will see any of these entered at Crufts. There would not be many other spoilt manicured pooches left if they were. This one nearly had the seat off my trousers.

The next morning we set off on our journey east along the north coast aiming to get to the Aztec settlement of Colostepec (mentioned earlier) for a brief visit. We first had to take the local taxi (right) to the bus station at the nearby village of Klapp. It wasn't far thankfully.

Left: The main bus station at Klapp.

Right: Fellow passengers waiting to board. N&A attracted a few rather toothless wolf-whistles.













Our bus just before boarding. They seem to like travelling in convoy, possibly in the likely event of one breaking down the passengers can be transferred to another. Or maybe for self protection as per warships.
The distance from Klapp to Colostepec is about 15 spurtz (72km).








As it turned out we didn't break down although the going was rough in parts, the seats were rudimentary wooden affairs and what we lacked in speed we gained amply in discomfort. I think some of the wheels must have been eliptical. Nikkla thought she felt her old haemorrhoid problem coming on again.
Right: Some interesting traffic on the road. This 'taxi' overtook us at great speed. As you might appreciate 'Elf 'n Safety' regs in any form have yet to reach Lulok. A healthy state of affairs in my opinion.


The first thing we saw approaching Colostepec was the Titzupitzi pyramid. All self respecting Aztec settlements have a pyramid. The original refugees had always wanted one but had failed to build one due to lack of materials and idleness. Apparently this building was originally a hardened aircraft shelter on the local ex-military airfield but was cheaply converted by piling on a few bricks after the Lulok Airforce crashed. Aztecs performed human sacrifices at the top of their pyramids.


Right: The Square outside the Town Hall.












Left: The main town square; Plazza Potipotipop (or something like that).
The locals still enjoy dressing up in their ancestral outfits and I got the impression they didn't get on too well with other Lulokians.









We took lunch in a local hostelry on Silk Route Street down by the seafront. The street was prominantly names in English! As well as Lulokian and, I presume, modern Aztec.







Aztecs originally didn't have a proper written language. They used hieroglyphs such as these (left), a bit like the ancient Egyptians.
This is apparently a love letter written by a young warrior to his fiancée explaining what he would like to do to her on their wedding night. You have to use your imagination. I notice a few 'blank' spaces towards the end...the censor obviously got hold of it.












Not being able to understand the lunch menu, or the 'waitress', we ended up with a rather strange meal (right). No, I haven't a clue either.









.......and Annabella got this (left). At least it was the first meal we had had which didn't contain beetroot! Nikkla said she wasn't hungry.

Colostepec agriculture seemed to centre around cactus and, mostly, agave. As you may be aware agave is distilled to make Tequila and here they did produce several similar beverages.
Right: A local agave crop.







Left:: Agave being harvested.











Right: One of the resulting beverages. It had the same tastebud-numbing effect as the Lulokian blistovitre.

I never did find out if they still carried out 'sacrifices' in the old tradition. If so, after half a bottle of this rot-gut, you wouldn't know a thing about it.















Left: They also produced a lot of this stuff, which is another form of agave, I think. It is cooked in various forms or chewed raw.









Right: This guy made some very strange noises in our direction. Not sure if he was smiling or snarling. In any event dental hygiene appears not to feature very high on the agenda here. The result of chewing on that stuff above?












Left: We witnessed a strange game of something or other which involved throwing a heavy ball. There were no goals apparent and from what I could gather the idea was simply to inflict painful hits on the opposition accompanied by much shouting and abuse.






We couldn't stay long in Colostepec due to the bus schedule, and anyway I think we had seen enough. We weren't sure whether we were welcome or not. They are certainly not familiar with strange 'Western' tourists and probably working out whether to try out the old sacrifice technique again.

The nearest I saw to a hieroglyph in the town was this one (right), just before we departed. It was stuck on the side of our bus.



Left: There was a 'ceremonial' send-off on our departure. I couldn't work out whether this was in celebration of our brief visit, or a warning not to come back.

So onwards around the east coast where we planned to spend the night in the charming township of Vörmit.

More to follow I hope.