LOCKDOWN. WEEK 7

6th - 12th May 2020

Government instruction!

It has been mentioned by one of my more critical readers that these Lockdown Logs have become rather repetitive and too 'ranty'. I don't disagree with that because there is bog-all else to talk about and not much changes. In any event they can't be more repetitive and scaremongering than the dreadful BBC TV news coverage. Anyway, I enjoy a good rant; I find it therapeutic!'

This week the Great Boris announced new 'relaxed' lockdown rules. Frankly, as far as I am concerned, there was not much change except we are now allowed to do exercise for as long as we like and to 'Stay Alert'. I was secretly hoping he would restrict exercise further to only once a week, so I have now absolutely no excuse to reduce my 'runs' from one every other day. The new rules (as of Sunday 10th May) were explained to me by some expert as follows. I hope you can make sense of them: 

This should provide the clarity you are after:

I think I’ve worked it out...

* 4 year olds can go to school, but university students who have paid for the tuition they haven’t had and the accommodation they aren’t living in, can’t go to university. 

* A teacher can go to school with many 4 year olds that they are not related to, but can’t see one 4 year old that they are related to. 

* You can sit in a park, but not tomorrow or Tuesday but by Wednesday that’ll be fine. 

* You can meet one person from another household for a chat or to sunbathe, but not two people so if you know two people from another household you have to pick your favourite. Hopefully, you’re also their favourite person from your household or this could be awkward. But possibly you’re not. But as I can’t go closer than 2m to the one you choose anyway you wouldn’t think having the other one sat next to them would matter - unless two people would restrict your eyeline too much and prevent you from being alert. 

* You can work all day with your colleagues, but you can’t sit in their garden for a chat after work. 

* You can now do unlimited exercise when quite frankly just doing an hour a day feels like you are some kind of fitness guru. I can think of lots of things that I would like to be unlimited but exercise definitely isn’t one of them. 

* You can drive to other destinations, although which destinations is unclear. 

* The buses are still running past your house, but you shouldn’t get on one. We should just let empty buses drive around so bus drivers aren’t doing nothing. 

* It will soon be time to quarantine people coming into the country by air... but not yet. It’s too soon. And not ever if you’re coming from France because... well, I don’t know why, actually. Because the French version of coronavirus wouldn’t come to the UK maybe. 

* Our youngest children go back to school first because... they are notoriously good at not touching things they shouldn’t, maintain personal space at all times and never randomly lick you. 

* We are somewhere in between 3.5 and 4.5 on a five point scale where 5 is all of the virus and 1 is none of the virus but 2,3 and 4 can be anything you’d like it to be really. Some of the virus? A bit of the virus? Just enough virus to see off those over 70s who were told to self isolate but now we’ve realised that they’ve done that a bit too well despite us offloading coronavirus patients into care homes and now we are claiming that was never said in the first place, even though it’s in writing in the stay at home guidance. 

* The slogan isn’t stay at home any more, so we don’t have to stay at home. Except we do. Unless we can’t. In which case we should go out. But there will be fines if we break the rules. So don’t do that. 

Don’t forget... 

Stay alert... which Robert Jenrick has explained actually means Stay home as much as possible. Obviously. 

Control the virus. Well, I can’t even control my dogs and I can actually see them. Plus I know a bit about dogs and very little about controlling viruses.

Save lives. Always preferable to not saving lives, I’d say, so I’ll try my best with that one, although hopefully I don’t need telling to do that. I know I’m bragging now but not NOT saving lives is something I do every day.

So there you are. If you’re the weirdo wanting unlimited exercise then enjoy. But not until Wednesday. Obviously.

The highlight of the week was the test launching of my home-made paper aeroplane; 'The Terminator', as I christened it. This was as a result of being encouraged by a Belgian friend who is a fanatical model aircraft enthusiast. He is also completely bonkers, but that is by-the-by.

After nearly an hour of painstaking planning, design and construction The Terminator was born (left). It featured all the latest aviation technology such as flaps, ailerons and a couple of staples in the nose. It is being held here by Cringe, my faithful manservant.

'

Indoor short-range trials were satisfactory so the next step was a test flight from an upper storey window, courtesy of my next door neighbour, and her dog 'Rocket'.

The first flight was encouraging but it veered wildly off track, flew over the garden fence and landed in the middle of the road opposite. I filmed this flight (left) but, for the life of me, I can't get the blasted vid to work on this blog. I will hopefully sort it out somehow.

After a frantic retrieval to avoid it being run over and squashed, the control surfaces were readjusted and all made ready for the second test. Launched by my neighbour this went perfectly and, straight as a die, it did a graceful landing in the far corner of the garden. Sadly, my camera (I) failed to capture this magic success. Typical.

 I was very proud. Unfortunately, the audience, Rocket the dog, took a keen.... too keen, interest. Before I could curb his enthusiasm he sprinted over to The Terminator and ripped it to shreds. Also recorded on film, but still can't get these damned things to work. 

I shall be prosecuting (the dog, that is).

Left: The wreckage. In military aviation parlance 'Category 5' damage ie. a 'write off'. The Terminator was terminated.

Back to the drawing board.......perhaps.

What else last week? Bugger all, and only dross to watch on TV. My daily routine has become thoroughly monotonous and at times like this it can take me hours just to read the newspaper cover to cover. Which sadly I do, and also do the crossword. The only rag which puts an amusing take on this situation is the redoubtable Spectator. I recommend it if you want something to boost your morale.

Paranoid pedestrians are still diving into the road when someone approaches them on the pavement. I am waiting for the first report of someone being run over and killed by this ludicrous behaviour. 

I can't be bothered to witter on about all the other madness (worse than the bug) which has infected this country. I have serious doubts as to whether we will ever get back to a social normality. I'm therefore giving up on 'Lockdown Logs'. This is the final one. I have a plan to escape. I hope you will read about it in the next edition. 

Until then "stay sane" and, of course, "stay alert". I always thought that I was a 'lert'. 

PS. Saw this sign (left) in a window of some establishment. Very sensible and concise instructions.