23rd - 24th May 2020
Left: Nikkla. Although getting on a bit and with a dicky leg she is up for most things and has a great sense of humour. In her youth she was quite notorious for her impromptu act (frequently at dinner parties) as a belly dancer featuring the amazing contra-rotating nipple tassels routine. She said she has given that up due to getting married and the fact that physiological changes mean that if she tried it now she would probably put her eye out. She has travelled widely if not always wisely. A staunch member, and treasurer, of the Don Valley Darts, Dominoes and Scottish Country Dancing Association.
Right: Annabella. Daughter of Nikkla. A lively girl with irrepressible energy. As a talented and entrepreneurial person, she has had, and has now, a wide variety of jobs and enthusiasms. As a budding actress she featured as the scarecrow in Stephen Soderbread's first mega-flop movie 'The Day of Gerbil'. She writes poems, teaches Latvian clog dancing, sings in a gospel choir, is a ceiling inspector for her apartment management company, and an expert Celtic dry walling engineer. She also finds time to run her Action Group; Demonstrators Against Demonstrations UK and produces a terrifying 'podcast' (whatever that is) called 'Betsy and Bella'. If she survives this trip she will go far I have no doubt.
We set off in a surprisingly luxurious taxi (left). The driver spoke reasonable English. I must later try to describe the Lulokian language. It is like nothing I have heard before and even uses it's own strange script in the outlying regions...either that or the signwriters were 'under the influence'. Our driver was waxing lyrical about how the 'government' had recently increased the legal alcohol limit for driving from 100mg/100ml to 180mg/100ml, although still 100mg for children under the age of 16. It's all to do with reducing the crime rate. Very sensible in his, and my, opinion.
Right: The outer suburbs of Zlakalitze heading east.
There were some mighty confusing signposts en-route (left). I'm glad our driver seemed to know where he was going. At least they don't have any irritating traffic lights anywhere, or roundabouts or especially, as per the ridiculous situation in UK, roundabouts with traffic lights! I think the system works quite happily on the basis that you just give way at junctions to any bigger, faster or more menacing machines approaching you. A sort of mutual survival pact.
After a relatively uneventful journey we arrived at the outskirts of Sdrepzyll (right), although Annabella threw up on the back seat on the way. She thinks she has developed an allergy to beetroot.
As I hoped, and discovered from those that spoke enough English, Lulok is entirely free of this pesky Coronavirus bug. Or if it is present nobody has noticed. Or if they have noticed they don't care because there are many other pestilential diseases that cause more serious problems. One such is Swinepox which is spread by the large pig herds and the disease is rampant amongst the farming community. Do pigs have herds, or flocks? I'm told they also have drifts, droves and sounders...but I digress. Left: Pigs here are usually kept indoors overnight due to widespread pig rustling. But because all the pig farmers rustle each other's pigs anyway they tend to end up with much the same number at the end of the day. I notice in this photo, taken in the village piggery, that there are a couple of brown pigs. This is either due to a BAME diversity programme or, more likely, nicked from another herd.
Right: These pigs are infected with swinepox. You can tell by the the warts and spots on their snouts, and they are blind. Fortunately Swinepox can only be transmitted by sexual activity.
Left: One of the symptoms of Swinepox is large pustulant growths, often on embarrassing parts of the body. Plus blindness of course so you wouldn't notice it in the mirror.
Before I leave the important subject of Lulok pigs, I noticed this one (right). Yes, they do have some sheep on the island...but I don't know what to make of it. I'm not sure that further investigation will get me anywhere.
Earlier in the day we were introduced to our guide (he on the left) for following excursions. I'm sure I recognise him from somewhere but maybe just my imagination.
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| The Lulok Coat of Arms |
We looked at the map and decided to visit a small village called Sdrepzyll. It was mentioned in the guide book as a 'typical farming community featuring many forms of Lulokian agriculture including fine herds of the famous Lulok Szwienspitznfartz pig and a place where you are always made to feel welcome in the local tavern in which it is customary for visitors to buy the first (and subsequent) round of drinks'. We were to discover that Lulok boasts a lot of pigs of varying breeds and hostility.
Sdrepzyll is about 16 kilospurtz east of Zlakalitze on the plains north of the Alps. I should mention that Lulok has it's own rather idiosyncratic system of weights and measures. A 'spurtz' originated in the distant past from the average distance a prisoner could run before being brought down by a sentry armed with a crossbow. It equates to 4.8 metres.
I think it appropriate to mention here a few details concerning my delightful travelling companions, Nikkla and Annabella. I have got to know them quite well over the past 24 hours. To spare their blushes, and those of their friends, I agreed to obscure their faces in the photos. This is what I have picked up so far:
Left: Nikkla. Although getting on a bit and with a dicky leg she is up for most things and has a great sense of humour. In her youth she was quite notorious for her impromptu act (frequently at dinner parties) as a belly dancer featuring the amazing contra-rotating nipple tassels routine. She said she has given that up due to getting married and the fact that physiological changes mean that if she tried it now she would probably put her eye out. She has travelled widely if not always wisely. A staunch member, and treasurer, of the Don Valley Darts, Dominoes and Scottish Country Dancing Association.
Right: Annabella. Daughter of Nikkla. A lively girl with irrepressible energy. As a talented and entrepreneurial person, she has had, and has now, a wide variety of jobs and enthusiasms. As a budding actress she featured as the scarecrow in Stephen Soderbread's first mega-flop movie 'The Day of Gerbil'. She writes poems, teaches Latvian clog dancing, sings in a gospel choir, is a ceiling inspector for her apartment management company, and an expert Celtic dry walling engineer. She also finds time to run her Action Group; Demonstrators Against Demonstrations UK and produces a terrifying 'podcast' (whatever that is) called 'Betsy and Bella'. If she survives this trip she will go far I have no doubt.
We set off in a surprisingly luxurious taxi (left). The driver spoke reasonable English. I must later try to describe the Lulokian language. It is like nothing I have heard before and even uses it's own strange script in the outlying regions...either that or the signwriters were 'under the influence'. Our driver was waxing lyrical about how the 'government' had recently increased the legal alcohol limit for driving from 100mg/100ml to 180mg/100ml, although still 100mg for children under the age of 16. It's all to do with reducing the crime rate. Very sensible in his, and my, opinion.Right: The outer suburbs of Zlakalitze heading east.There were some mighty confusing signposts en-route (left). I'm glad our driver seemed to know where he was going. At least they don't have any irritating traffic lights anywhere, or roundabouts or especially, as per the ridiculous situation in UK, roundabouts with traffic lights! I think the system works quite happily on the basis that you just give way at junctions to any bigger, faster or more menacing machines approaching you. A sort of mutual survival pact.
After a relatively uneventful journey we arrived at the outskirts of Sdrepzyll (right), although Annabella threw up on the back seat on the way. She thinks she has developed an allergy to beetroot.
We booked in to a small hostel (left) and had a room each, with a bed. Very quaint. Washing facilities were at an outside tap where they had thoughtfully even put up a mirror. The loo was the forest. Takes me back to my military days with 'shovel recces'. Very healthy and bracing.
Right: After settling in we decided to give the local tavern, the Zweinbar, a go. Our arrival had obviously caused a bit of a stir as the place quickly filled up with friendly villagers to welcome us. They generously accepted our offer to buy drinks (blitsovitse and/or the local beer called 'Spitz'). They said they didn't get many foreign visitors or 'mooginz' as is the term used here.
As I hoped, and discovered from those that spoke enough English, Lulok is entirely free of this pesky Coronavirus bug. Or if it is present nobody has noticed. Or if they have noticed they don't care because there are many other pestilential diseases that cause more serious problems. One such is Swinepox which is spread by the large pig herds and the disease is rampant amongst the farming community. Do pigs have herds, or flocks? I'm told they also have drifts, droves and sounders...but I digress. Left: Pigs here are usually kept indoors overnight due to widespread pig rustling. But because all the pig farmers rustle each other's pigs anyway they tend to end up with much the same number at the end of the day. I notice in this photo, taken in the village piggery, that there are a couple of brown pigs. This is either due to a BAME diversity programme or, more likely, nicked from another herd.
Right: These pigs are infected with swinepox. You can tell by the the warts and spots on their snouts, and they are blind. Fortunately Swinepox can only be transmitted by sexual activity.
Left: One of the symptoms of Swinepox is large pustulant growths, often on embarrassing parts of the body. Plus blindness of course so you wouldn't notice it in the mirror.
Before I leave the important subject of Lulok pigs, I noticed this one (right). Yes, they do have some sheep on the island...but I don't know what to make of it. I'm not sure that further investigation will get me anywhere.
We left the tavern rather worse for wear. Annabella had overdosed on Spitz beer and Nikkla, after a hefty intake of blistovitre, had come dangerously close to re-enacting her tassels routine.
Earlier in the day we were introduced to our guide (he on the left) for following excursions. I'm sure I recognise him from somewhere but maybe just my imagination.
So much more to see and do on this fascinating island, so I'll leave it there for the time being. Oh dear! Annabella is being sick again, and she only had 14 bottles of spitz and a pork sandwich.
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