BANGKOK AND HOME

 13th - 23rd Jan 2022

The British Club. Bangkok.

The British Club, located between Silom and Surawong Roads, is an oasis of sophisticated calm in this (once) noisy and raucous part of town. It boasts tennis courts, squash courts, a swimming pool, cricket nets and outdoor café as well as an old fashioned clubhouse with an elegant dining room and club bar. You know, the sort of place where you find venerable ex-pats dozing off in leather armchairs with a two day old Daily Telegraph covering their faces and a glass of brandy to hand. All very traditional and British!

It is also the home of the Bangkok Spoofing School. This deserves some explanation I fear. 'Spoof', for those not familiar, is, in lesser circles, merely a pub game. It involves the participants holding in one clasped outstretched hand a number of coins between 0 and 3. The players, in turn, guess (or 'assess' in spoofing parlance) the total number of coins held by all, ie. if 5 people are playing the max is 15 and minimum 0. Once everyone has 'assessed', hands are opened and coins revealed. The first to assess correctly drops out and orders the round of drinks. The game continues and as further players drop out it leaves the last in to buy the drinks. So simple, but spoofing here takes on a more sophisticated guise. 

Left: The board in the bar area which lists all the previous winners of the Bangkok Spoofing Championships, plus the runners-up which are always listed as 'A.N.Other'. The spoofing community is worldwide and international championships are held in Australia, Hong Kong, USA, UK (the founding country), Malaysia and other exotic locations. As well as myriad rules and 'calls' there are many obscure and arcane conventions, protocols, formalities and customs which all form part of the spoofing etiquette. Woe betide those that contravene them! There is even a multi-coloured Spoofers' Blazer and bow tie which can only be worn by those who have taken part in an international competition.

All spoofers are referred to by a nickname, and I had the honour (by virtue of an 'international' spoofer I know in UK, Ian 'Trendy') to be introduced to a spoofer here (Nick 'Red Vino'). We subsequently had a lunch at a very smart restaurant where I was introduced to 'Orange' Bob, David 'Mr Angry', and Tony 'Slowpoke'. I learnt of others with such names as 'Swampy', 'The Jackal', 'Filth 2', 'Bunter', 'Biggus Dickus', 'Sugarbutt', 'Walter the Kraut', 'Tent Pole', 'Vindaloo', 'Sir Cumference' and many others not present.

Right: The Dining Room. After lunch, on another occasion, at The Club with Nick 'Red Vino'.

On one evening I was invited to join a select group for an 'introductory' spoofing session at the Club. Left to right: Tony 'Slowpoke', Simon 'Douche-bag' (President), Walter 'The Kraut', self, Nick 'Red Vino'. 

As luck would have it I got out first in the first two rounds. I mentioned that "this is too easy, and obviously I must have telepathic powers". Big Mistake!! I had committed one of the  most  serious breaches of etiquette, namely gloating! Fortunately, as I was only a guest and a beginner, I was let off with 'warning'.

Before we leave the British Club I show this photo of the British War Memorial (Right). It is positioned at the front of the Club and engraved with the names of all those ex-pats who fell in World Wars. It was previously located at the very elegant and prestigious British Embassy compound which, in an act of supreme political stupidity, petty act of 'saving money'  and typical lack of foresight, was sold off and is now a housing developement. The present Embassy is ignominiously located on the 12th floor of a tower block above a shopping complex. In my, and others', opinion, it was an act of diplomatic vandalism!

Anyway, at least they saved the War Memorial.

Left: One of the very smart and efficient BTS (Skytrain) stations. It is an excellent cheap and comfortable way of getting around the city despite incessant and irritating warnings to "wear face-coverings over both mouth and nose, maintain social distance, disinfect your hands and, even, don't talk on the train" all in  impeccable English by the recording of a very well-spoken Brit (but nothing in Thai curiously).

Right: An all too typical example of a very 'inelegant' tourist. 

I think that this latest series of 'journals' just about covers all of the more interesting aspects of my 6 weeks in Thailand (aka Chrexit 2021). Much time was spent just lazing around in the sun and bars and happily doing very little. 

The good things I much appreciate in Thailand (despite all the blasted covid restrictions) are:

1. The weather. Always in the mid-30ºs and only a couple of rain showers.

2. The people are, in general, charming and very helpful.

3. Those venues which are open are good value and good fun.

4. Plenty of very affordable and pleasant accommodation available.

5. Transport is reliable and cheap (despite the river ferries stopping at 6.00pm!).

7. I still admire the fact that helmets are not compulsory here when riding scooters or motor-bikes. Many riders didn't. I suppose that just appeals to my belief that laws should not be made if they are designed only to protect you from your own actions, however stupid. I rode a motor-bike and would have always, voluntarily, worn a helmet. It not only seemed sensible from a protection point of view but also kept my baldy head warm! My choice. If people want to take risks that don't adversely and directly affect others that's fine by me.

The not so good things, mostly due to a rather paranoid and irrational response to the covid panicdemic, were:

1. Compulsory face-masks everywhere (apart from inside bars/restaurants) which made the whole population resemble zombies. Tourists followed suit. Rather depressing.

2. Arbitrary and changeable rules for tourists wishing to visit the country which has resulted in few tourists. Not that I minded that, apart from the document hassle getting here, but as a result many previously popular venues and hotels are closed with resulting unemployment (no freeby hand-outs here!). The place is a shadow of its former self.

3. With no warning or obvious reason, banning alcohol sales in bars and restaurants after 9.00pm!

4. I  mentioned that Thais are charming and helpful, and so they are, but very submissive to authority. So if you give a Thai a uniform, especially one of those tight-fitting military or police jobs with 'badges' and a modicum of power, they are immediately transformed into stoney-faced bossy little martinets. Having said that the uniformed staff on the BTS and MRT were very courteous and helpful.

5. Pedestrian crossings. Lethal!

6. Just remembered, and this is a complaint I have regarding all hotels (not specifically in Thailand) and I think I may have mentioned it before. It concerns light switches. In hotel rooms there are various switches which control the room lights. You have to experiment to find which switch operates which light. This is no problem, eventually, when going to bed. On the other hand, if you wake up in the dark wanting to go for a pee, it is impossible to find the bedside light switch. I have experienced disastrous consequences of thrashing around trying to find a switch next to a bed. Broken lamps, smashed glasses of water and injury have resulted. Why on earth have they not thought of gently and unobstrusively illuminated the vital 'get out of bed safely' switch? It should not be 'rocket science' and would avoid much frustration, destruction and injury.

I'll probably think of things to add to the above good/bad lists in due course.

One interesting aspect of my stay at the Red Planet Hotel where I based myself for 9 days was the excellent room service. Every day, when cleaning the rooms, they issued a new bog roll regardless of whether the old one had been used or not. As a result I had 8 of them stacked up in the bathroom (left). I'm not sure of their thinking here. I suppose their 'instructions' just ordered them to leave a new one every day, so they did!

I gratefully took them home in my almost empty 'insurance' suitcase.

Before travelling back home with Austrian Airlines I had to get one of those 'PCR' tests done within 72 hours of departure. I chose and booked to go to the BNH Hospital on Convent Road (just off Silom Rd). Coincidently it was where I had the original swab stuck up my nose on arrival. It is a very smart hospital. I'm sure that there would have been cheaper options, but this place was efficient and within walking distance. It cost me the equivalent of £150! OK, so many places are making a bomb out of this farcical situation...but we, the cannon fodder, have no option but to comply and pay through the nose (literally). The results (fortunately negative) were with me the next morning. I dread to think what would have happened if they were positive! Very tedious, uncomfortable and hideously expensive presumably. We live in strange times.

Having assembled all the necessary documents (Covid test certificate, vaccination certs, passenger locator form, emigration certificate, tickets, passport, check-in form etc.) I got through check-in, security checks and passport control without mishap and, deliberately, very early for the flight. I had 3 hours to kill. I found a 'Club Business Lounge' courtesy of Oman Airlines and , for $30, had a very luxurious wait with unlimited complimentary drink, delicious food and good wi-fi. Well worth it and I made sure I got my got my money's worth.

The flight (11.55pm) departed on time as had all the Austrian Airlines flights previously (very efficient) and, having retrieved from the bottom of my bag the 'compulsory' type of snot-rag (used on the way out) demanded by the airline, I waited for the first opportunity to buy a drink/packet of crisps whereafter I removed the offending article, as did the Italian chap sitting next to me. The Austrian cabin crew were efficient but appeared rather stern and humourless. On being approached by a 'hostie' with a resemblance and manner reminiscient of Rosa Klebb (From Russia with Love?) she asked what I would like to drink. I ordered a brandy and cigar. I'm not sure if she appreciated that.

We transited via Vienna and, no problems with the transfer, I arrived at a dismal rainswept London Heathrow at 8.15am on the 23rd. I was expecting a long queue and big delay for document checks at immigration. No such problem. I was straight through the electronic passport scanner with no document checks and no delay. So much for all the documents I had compiled. Coffee, a quick breakfast at the airport and, via bus and train, back home at lunchtime.

Where next?