11th Aug 2022
Thanks to some ongoing minor eye surgery, your author has been somewhat confined to barracks with no 'travels' since the Poland/Ukraine escapade.
So, to relieve my boredom and for something to write about, I thought you might be interested in reading reports from The Old Buffers and Geriatrics Pool Society (OB & GPS). Motto: We Need the Rest (requiremus reliquum).
This 'august' institution has been in existance for some time and involves several 'old farts' meeting up every Thursday evening at a local pub to play Pool, and drink copious quantities of ale. We pride ourselves on our ineptitude. Indeed, there have been occasions when pub customers leave the bar to spectate and, between fits of uncontained mirth, offer unsolicited and often rather rude advice.
There is a 'core' membership of 8, of which varying numbers turn up to play, or try to, badly. Codes of dress and etiquette are published in great detail and are often, rather shamefully, disregarded.
The winner of the match is awarded the cherished, if cheap and nasty, trophy (The Bungler's Cup) and a medal. The winner also earns the task of writing the match report.
I publish below the latest report (there have been several previous) and hope it gives my reader an idea of what goes on.
THE OLD BUFFERS AND GERIATRICS POOL SOCIETY MATCH.
11th AUGUST 2022
REPORT
Col. Huge Spott (HS), Mr J Welfart (JW) and Bad Example Sample (BE) were on parade, 1800hrs prompt, at the bar readying themselves for action (or inaction) with copious supplies of 6X (beer) while awaiting the arrival of Mr Pillow (EP) who had indicated he would be playing. After 10 minutes, and a resupply of 6X, it was decided to cue off without him and play with a ’Notional’ EP (NEP) who had probably been put off by previous adverse comments concerning his ‘fitness’ regime and his appallingly cavalier approach to the dress code…and the impending penalties. At this point it was noticed, with some degree of horror, that JW was wearing shorts (usually only an EP indiscretion) which displayed a pair of particularly unattractive knobbly knees and would undoubtably have scared the horses, had there been any! He claimed not to have read any previous remarks. **(this sartorial blunder will be the subject of discussion by the Committee).
Anyway, in front of the normal capacity crowd (0), HS was paired with BE and JW with NEP (still no show). HS cued off and just managed to hit the balls at the other end of the table despite a mis-hit on the white due to a faulty tip (one of his own, probably cheap and defective, personal collection). JW followed and potted a red. Now something remarkable happened. In fact it was something so remarkable, never before witnessed in the long and undistinguished history of the OB & GPS, that it almost defied belief. BE took to the table and sunk a yellow. He then proceeded to pot all six remaining yellows in succession leaving just the black for victory! The crowd fell eerily silent; perhaps in a state of shocked disbelief. It must be noted that after this startling and entirely uncharacteristic performance BE did not display the customary modesty that the Society etiquette demands. He proceeded to lap the table, and bar, cue aloft while fist-punching the air and making strange whooping noises.This blatant and distasteful act of ‘gloating’ will, naturally, be reported to the Committee and result in a fine, at least. The details of the remainder of this game, which didn’t last long, were lost due to the exuberance of BE. Suffice to say BE quickly potted the black to claim victory for HS & BE. Score: HS 1, BE 1. JW 0, NEP 0
The next game, after much needed refreshments following the previous excitement, involved HS & JW v BE & NEP. It reverted to normal incompetence by all, and the white made many unintended visits into various pockets. HS was still having problems with his tips, despite much chalking, which resulted in several alarming mis-cues sending the white off in unexpected and fruitless directions. This game went on for a very long time. Eventually BE & NEP prevailed and got the black down.
Score now: BE 2, NEP 1, HS 1, JW 0
The third, and final, game was a quick one. BE & JW v HS & NEP. All was trickling along as normal with many balls on the table refusing to go down. It was about even-stevens when BE, still on a high, and with a very powerful shot, sunk a dramatic red into the side pocket. The white then ricocheted (is that spelt correctly?) and hit the black which went straight into the opposite side pocket. Game over. Final Score: BE 2, HS 2, NEP 2, JW 0.
In characteristically immodest fashion, BE unilaterally awarded himself the trophy and medal. Further ‘re-fuelling’ followed.
The entertainment was not quite over. JW suggested a game of darts. I think you had to score, exactly, 301 to win. Unfortunately BE was put in charge of the scoring which, as might be expected, became somewhat confused. Suffice to say, more darts hit various areas of the walls and floor than ended up stuck in the dartboard. BE managed on three occasions to hit and dislodge the large rubber tyre surrounding the board. JW proved more competent than others (not difficult) in hitting the board. Fortunately there were no casualties which was surprising considering other (innocent and unsuspecting) customers had to walk past our line of fire to get to the ablutions. Initially they really can have had no idea how random our aim was. They weren’t even safe standing behind us! They soon got the message and stayed well clear. Anyway, regardless of the score, the game was settled by the first to hit a ‘double’. This took some time but JW managed it eventually, much to the relief of the, by now, cowering customers.
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