SILLY SIGNS AND NUTTY NOTICES

30th Oct 2022

Stairs at Paddington Railway Station (London)

I have collected, in no particular order, some signs and notices from around the world which are either amusing, nonsensical or just plain patronising, such as the one above which is a prime example of a staircase plastered with needless fusspot instructions. Frankly, seeing this I felt inclined to 'rush up the stairs three at a time holding my mobile phone and not the handrail' and give a metaphorical two fingers to the jobsworth who designed these 'warnings'. I suppose they think that they are covering their backs by treating the general public as if we are all infantile suicide cases.

Left: More of the same. Pathetic. Does anyone pay any attention to them? Have you ever tried carrying a Great Dane? OK, smoking verboten but that is the case anywhere indoors nowadays.

Right: Similar. We really don't need to be told. Use the effing handrail if you want, or not.

I can't remember where I saw some of these signs, but that hardly matters. Some have featured in past 'blogs'. You can probably tell from the languages used.                        

Left: This could be considered very 'racist' if you happen to be from Duria. 

Right: A pavement (1 metre wide) notice in a local town during the Covid 'panicdemic'. If you obeyed this and strayed onto the road (just down from the top of a slope and blind to oncoming traffic) the chances are that you would be run over. So much for 'stay safe'!

Left: No doubt a 'spoof' sign, but symbolises the sort of non-roadworks which plague our motorways in UK. There are often miles of traffic cones and speed limits where nobody is working which make journeys utterly frustrating. There are also gantry signs which announce things like 'animals in the road', and there never are any. I think some jobsworth just gets his kicks out of setting irrelevant signs to bugger motorists about. 

Right: This lift measures about 3 x 4 metres. 53 pers max?! You could not get 53 midgets in there if you laid them horizontally and squashed them flat, let alone any baggage! Mr Schindler is having a little joke. 

Left: Very sensible and concise.

Right: Well it certainly attracted me! If only to congratulate the manager.

Left: Another enterprising bar sign.

Right: Well worth the money!

Left: At least they were being honest

Right: Any ideas why not? I was the only person there and I don't recall that there were any confidential exhibits on display. In fact there was very little on display. Perhaps that was the reason.

Left: This was at a showground in UK. I was not aware that killer tortoises existed. No doubt to be displayed on your garden gate.

Right: Unlike these creatures (at a lodge on the shore of the Zambezi). The residents were obviously expendable. 

Left: It didn't say when or why! Fortunately none of the passengers appeared to have hammers to hand.

Right: OK, I think we understand that. Perhaps the drivers here hunt people down.....as per the hippos and crocodiles above.

Left: I don't even know what some of those clothes are. I don't think it was outside the Cavalry and Guards Club in Piccadilly....I may be wrong.

Right: I have this sign on my garden gate.

Left: I do enjoy cheap and cheerful accommodation. However, there are limits and I suspect this establishment might even be a bit below it.

Right: Just the place if you want a nice Chinese book.

Left: Can't think where, but quite witty?

Right: Well that's a relief! I was beginning to wonder where I was.

Left: If it doesn't go 'up' it must go 'down'. I think even a halfwit could work that out!

Below: The badge to be worn with pride.

I'm sure my reader will enjoy contributing more examples for me to add to the list! 

In fact I offer a £10 reward for the best original (ie. not previously published) example to reach me before the end of November. Send to: markstephens489@hotmail.com

Right: An interesting addition. This sign was on the floor of a local shop, placed just in front of the check-out desk. The floor was not wet and there was no 'cleaning in progress' (as the far sign erroneously points out). A lady who had just completed her purchase at the desk turned around to leave and promptly tripped over the sign, with painful consequences.

It really is 'safer' to let people make their own risk assessments isn't it!?