YODEL-AY-EE-HOO AROUND SWITZERLAND

13th - 14th Apr 2019

 Matterhorn near Zermatt. Named after me?

A train ride to and around Switzerland seemed a jolly thing to do and to meet up with some friends in St Moritz whom I hadn't seen for 20 years.
Eurostar from St Pancras to Paris then on by TGV to Strasbourg for a night/half-day stop-over.

Left: The central station in Strasbourg. An impressive space-age edifice and very user friendly. Indeed Strasbourg is an impressive city. Very clean with some beautiful stately buildings and a picturesque Ye Olde Worlde district around the canals and the River L'ill. 

The place looks incredibly prosperous and immaculately clean and tidy, helped presumably by a large inflow of our taxpayers' money via the EU.

I decided to go and have a decco at the European Parliament buildings in the outlying Quartier Européen district to the North-East of the city. I got there by an impressively modern, efficient and cheap tram service (example right). They are quiet and pristine clean with illuminated signs both inside the carriages and on the 'platforms' telling you where you are, the route and when you will arrive at whichever stop. They are light-years ahead of anything that we can even imagine in the UK.

I arrived at the Parliament building (left) and my jaw dropped. It is a vast ultra-modern edifice and my photos cannot do justice to the sheer scale of the place. It is the temporary, once a year, 'home'  to which the EU Parliament de-camps, lock, stock and barrel, from Brussels for a couple of weeks to enjoy having a chin-wag and fatten themselves in Strasbourg's smart restaurants. Utterly pointless in my opinion and what a waste of money (our money). It is nothing but a vast and hideously  costly French vanity project.

I am trying to display the incredible size of this building. The 'tower' in the centre is only a small part. It is surrounded by a huge glass and concrete monstrosity (right) which must house tens of thousands of officials and staff, for only a short period in the year. What do they all do? Bugger all, I expect, except (those who bother to stay awake) make many silly rules and regulations in the afternoon, over which we have no control, after a good liquid lunch. I was totally gobsmacked! No wonder the EU's finances have never been approved or ratified by audit. What an appalling example it sets to poorer countries. Obscene!

....but that is only one of several ostentatious buildings which include the 'Palais de Droits de Hommes' (Human Rights), the 'Conseil de l'Europe' (Council of Europe) and something called 'Agora' (no, haven't a clue either) plus others. It all seems simply a means of providing a comfortable salary to those countless unelected politician types and other staff (think of the maintenance!) who enjoy having their noses, up to their shoulders, well and truly in the trough.

Left: Forgotten which this one is.

Everywhere is very 'Politically Correct' with banners flying like this one (right).

Left: Even a tram station named 'Human Rights. What a load of bullshit!

They go to extraordinary lengths to justify their existence. Their fat salaries depend on it.










Right: Some of the stately buildings in the centre. All very smart, neat and tidy.













Left: One of the signs which tell you when your tram is arriving. And they do, spot on.

Right and below: Shots of some of the old buildings in the area on the river and canals called Petite France. Very charming and there were some lovely cafés and restaurants around here.

Didn't see any 'pie 'n mash' caffs Bernie! Maybe there's an opportunity here?

Only spent half a day here and I didn't get a photo of the Cathedral which, I am told, is mighty impressive.

It is certainly a very attractive city.

OK, haven't got to Switzerland yet but due to catch a train to Chur. Yodelling on.........

AMSTERDAM CULTURAL TOUR

30th Mar - 2nd Apr 2019

Maxine Fukken. Oldest working prostitute in Amsterdam

Amsterdam is host to some of the finest artists, galleries and museums in the world. Ronnie Rembrandt, Dick van Dyke and Vinny 'The Ear' van Gogh have their own eponymous museums and galleries. Lots of canals, beautiful idiosyncratic buildings, bars, trams and bicycles, plus no shortage of fine art and Dutch culture. I was last here about 30 years ago so self and a couple of friends (renowned fine piss-artists) had returned for a weekend to revisit old sights and see what has changed.

Having flown in to Schiphol airport (Easjet from London Gatwick, but surprisingly efficient service) there is still the excellent, cheap and convenient train service into Amsterdam Centraal. All worth seeing is within walking distance from there and much was familiar. The old fashioned sit-up-and-beg bicycles were still prominent and their riders, encouragingly, have not fallen victim to wearing those ghastly helmets; nor, incidentally did the scooter riders. There may be some Euro-law which compels people to wear helmets but if there is the Dutch choose, refreshingly, to ignore it.

Our 'cultural tour' it was decided, would not include boring old Rembrandt or the vans Dyke and Gogh. Seen before and who wants to spend a weekend looking at same-same old pictures hanging on the wall. So we decided to look elsewhere.

The area around the Oude Kirk, 5 mins walk south-east from the Centraal Station, is the famous/infamous Red Light District. Notable for many small streets of houses with 'windows' behind which 'ladies' pose and offer 'friendly services' to passing 'gentlemen'.
In recent years the number of 'windows' has reduced from 485 to about 300 (I didn't count). This was due to a decision by the City Council to clean the area up a bit. In fact, as with many well intentioned decisions, it backfired. All that happened was that the 'ladies' moved off into other even less salubrious accommodation and any control by the council (and income) was lost. They are now buying back the old properties to restore the previous status quo. Better the devil you know.

Right: A friendly lady in a window.

Above: The Red Light Secrets, on Ouderzijds Achterburgwal (they have such simple street names) is a sort of museum displaying their wares and wherewithal. Quite interesting.















Left: Useful guidance for an alternative career (click on to enlarge).




Some messages (there were hundreds) pinned to a wall.

I reproduce a couple of the more printable ones.





















Right: A 'facility'. Don't get me wrong, this was just on display!


















Left: Another museum, 'The Erotic Museum' nearby. To be honest, I've forgotten which photos were taken from which.

This is the official spiel on this one:

'An old warehouse in the middle of Red Light District, with an always-lit neon above the entry, which says - Erotic Museum. Much higher on the façade of the 17th century canal house, you may notice an old stone plate with a proud sentence: - God is mijn Burgh (God is my Castle), a typical Amsterdam contrast - you might say.

Inside, a shop with erotica souvenirs and on the three floors up - an exhibit, more about the Red Light District itself, than about eroticism. A room of the Red Light District prostitute with the wax figure of the working girl inside and a model of the cashier of the famous Casa Rosso Live Show Theater. Furthermore a collection of the old erotic photographs, an interesting series of John Lennon’s lithographs and a compact collection of erotic art. In a separate room with walls painted like in a kindergarten, a projection of the animated “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” but in a version, which could never be shown in any of the Disney attraction parks, next to a vending machine selling the most unusual condoms you may imagine.'  You might like to visit.

Right: Anne Frank House on Prinzengracht, west side of the centre. Statue of Miss Frank.
She was a German born Jewish girl whose parents emigrated to Holland when she was 2 years old. She was 12 when her parents and sister moved to this house in 1942 during the German occupation of the city.

She and sister had a hidden apartment behind a bookshelf in the house (left). She kept a diary (later published). To cut a long story short, after her parents were arrested an informer, never properly identified, tipped off the Gestapo who discovered the hiding place. She was arrested and sent ultimately to Bergen-Belsen concentration camp where she and her sister died, probably from Typhus, in 1944. Sad.

Right: A typical view up one of the many canals. So many look the same. Easy to get lost.









Left: Rembrandtplein. The Square featuring his statue and surrounded by a statuesque depiction of his famous daubing, 'The Night Watch'.








Right: Back to normal. The Sex Museum on Damrak (main street leading south from the Centraal Station).
Another cultural highlight. This was certainly here in the 1970s and is one of Amsterdam's long-standing museums.











You are greeted at the entrance by this bicycling Dutch maid. The saddle has an interesting accoutrement which rather explains the look on her face.









The museum is on five floors and contains some quite interesting/alarming exhibits and video shows.
Below are some photos of which you can make what you will.

On next to 'Body World', another substantial exhibition in a five storey gallery on Damrak. The exhibits are mostly 'plasticised' dead bodies and body parts. Each floor is dedicated to a different function of the human body such as the muscular-skeleto, cardio-vascular, nerve and reproductive system etc.

Actually, it is rather educational. Lots of detailed explanations (in English) of how things inside you work (or don't). At the end there is a group of machines which (if you want) will measure your heart function, body mass index, and a few other things which I can't remember (brain function?). You are measured then, shoes and socks off, you are sat in a hi-tech chair and connected via clips to a computer. It produces quite a comprehensive list of charts and results. I have my hard copy. It tells me that I am too fat.
By the way, they displayed a list of National Happiness Quotients. Norway came top of the list with Central African Republic bottom at 155th. UK was 18th.

Next port of call was the Amsterdam Dungeon, again near Damrak. Entry is rather expensive (25 Euros I think) and you are herded in a group of about 20 into a gloomy waiting room before being taken down (or up) in a lift, escorted by a 'medieval' actor who gives you lots of dire warnings. The rest is in half darkness or murky light and photos are prohibited, so none here. It consisted of being moved from room to room, down rickety stairs and even having to crawl through some low and disorienting tunnels and passageways where things jump out at you. Each 'room' featured a setting such as a torture chamber, a Spanish Inquisition court, ship's prison, mortuary with a 'doctor' removing body parts and an alarming maze of pillars and mirrors in which you get completely lost, amongst much else. At each 'setting' we were accompanied by an actor and/or actress who played the parts of whatever, and they were very good, plus excellent sound and lighting 'special effects'. It also involved some humiliating audience participation which, thankfully, I avoided. We ended up in a medieval tavern and got a free beer, amongst a bit of insulting banter from a licentious barmaid. It was all most skilfully done and the 'scenery' and atmosphere created was remarkably elaborate and convincing. The 'tour' took 1½ hours. Well worth a visit and I can understand the cost involved.












Left: Human statues on Dam Square. I gave them a Euro so they danced around a bit.










Also on Dam Square was a troupe of acrobats who did some entertaining dancing and tricks amidst a lot of amusing banter to attract the crowd. This guy (right), after much pre-amble, span a fast 35 revolutions balancing only on his head. He said he was 50 years old and would be giving up soon...so "please contribute generously for my retirement".

Left: The tiny Café Doctorje was recommended as a good place for a meal. We eventually found it on a small street near the Flower Market on Singel canal. It was closed. Fortunately there is a nice little place next door.

Next port of call, nearby, was the Torture Museum. This was somewhat disappointing. It was not very big or elaborate and the descriptions of the exhibits were pretty vague or missing altogether. For what it's worth, some pics below. You can work out how they were used.

Right: Of course we did the traditional canal cruise. From Leitseplein down Prinzengrach and from there on I can't remember because I fell asleep. One gracht and straat looks much the same as another from canal level.

My new career?

Right: Not in Amsterdam, but I think it is quite an amusing photo of a little dog in fancy dress.

 I think that will have to do for a weekend in Amsterdam. I hope you found it enlightening.