SINGLE LIFE

23rd Mar 2021

Uncle Matt, the Heating Engineer from Boilers-R-Us

.'

Living alone during this balls-aching and seemingly never-ending 'lockdown' (they will always find another scare story to keep us imprisoned) has its advantages. If nothing else, thanks to all hospitality venues and entertainments being closed and with no means of escaping the country, I'm saving money. I will try to think of a few others later on.

We really are living in a totalitarian 1984esque state at present and, seemingly, a large proportion of the public are happy with this. They like the State to protect them from all perceived danger and pooh-pooh any notion that we should be allowed to assess risks and make our own decisions as to how to deal with them. We begrudge such autocratic undemocratic regimes such as the Chinese Communist Party, but have managed to invent one of our own. At least in such places as China there is an upside, in that what the Goverment wants to do gets done...pronto with 'elf 'n safety' taking a back seat. No faffing around. In our version everything is put to committees, 'focus groups', quangos, elf 'n safety zealots and 'experts'. As a result either nothing, useless compromises or, as is the case at the moment, blanket bans 'in the interest of our safety' result. Pah!

Social life has come to an almost complete stand-still. Having said that there are a few brave souls who happily break the totalitarian rules. One such stalwart is an elderly lady, a friend of mine, who lives nearby. She is 94 years old, slightly doddery on her pins but with a razor sharp brain and great sense of humour. She was a wild fashion model in her youth, an 'it' girl in the 1940s/50s, with a very 'adventurous' social life She is entirely un-PC and un-woke with the mischievous mindset of a 25 year old; altogether great company. She decided, at her age, she would rather risk getting this Covid bug than hide away in solitary confinement. So, being a robust rule-breaker myself, we hatched a plan to allow social visits (she has a stock of very good wine and is an excellent cook) without alerting any possible neighbourhood snitchers.

The idea stemmed from when my house electrics recently failed and I had to call an emergency electrician. He, a charming Polish chap, duly arrived, surprisingly promptly and, wearing a face-mask but with no other 'social' restrictions, came in and sorted the problem out. So, of course, technicians are unrestricted in visiting strangers' houses. Hence I suddenly became a 'heating engineer'. I was summoned to the old lady's house which had conveniently developed a mysterious heating problem. My disguise (see top) featured an official looking hi-vis jacket with 'Boilers R-Us...Heating Engineer' clearly marked on the back, plus a telephone number. If anyone chose to call it they would be introducing themself to a dodgy 'massage' parlour in London. I carried a few tools, including a corkscrew and bottle opener. 

The 'heating problem' took rather longer to fix than expected and involved the use of copious quantities of wine followed by supper and much jollity.

I have developed a loathing for face-masks. As well as being uncomfortable and dehumanising they project an unnecessary and ongoing ‘fear factor’ in our community. Maybe that is the unspoken intention. Also, many studies have shown, both before and during this panicdemic, that they are relatively useless in stopping the spread of a virus. I believe one significant study in Denmark confirmed this. Sadly, a majority of our panicking timid population have been convinced/brainwashed that they are effective and necessary and consequently there is no end in sight as to when they will become purely ‘voluntary’ in all locations while a single virus inhabits the planet. Many people will come to regard them as necessary face-wear for ever, and just as normal, and unhygienic, as underwear! 

Some are unbelievably hypocritical, such as the lone person I saw walking across our park wearing a full face-mask and who only removed it when he sat down on a bench to have a cigarette! You couldn't make it up.

I attach below my highly scientific demonstration of the efficacy of face-masks (or face-nappies as I now call them).

Our tennis club asked for volunteers to help sweep and clean the courts. Myself and another enthusiastic (and equally useless) tennis player set to work for most of the day. Apparently it is 'legal' to do work together like this, but illegal to play a game of tennis. The logic defeats me. After several hours of backbreaking work we sat down to have a spot of well deserved, medically essential, refreshment (left). After about 15 minutes a local 'community' police lady came down to the courts. She had received information that there was a social gathering of 'youths' making merry at the courts. A snitcher had obviously been at work. Actually she was quite charming and we were much amused to be accused of being youths. She said that as she was looking for 'rampaging youths' then that obviously (more's the pity) didn't refer to us. After offering her a cup of coffee she wished us well and departed....saying she was off to find those pesky youths. Full marks to her!

I will add to this in due course as I have little else to occupy my time at the moment. The trouble is that there is diddly-squat of interest to report. I am tempted, in my imagination, to go back to the island of Lulok (see May/June 2020).