MY LITTLE COVID RANT

 17th May 2021

Him again.

I started writing this on the 17th May and, due to a serious bout of indolence and lethargy, am still continuing with it on the 24th. Hopefully much has changed in the intervening period to raise some optimism for a swift return to sanity. Anyway, I continue my latest rant from the 17th as a form of therapeutic relief from all the bullshit currently spouted.

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Well there's a surprise! As predicted months ago, as soon as any semblance of escape from under the iron fist of a dictatorial government arises, they try to scare us all with another Covid 'variant' or, as Allison Pearson (Daily Telegraph) aptly coined the expression, 'scariant'. This time it's the 'Indian' version which is, of course, much more, 53% (at the time of writing), infectious etc. etc. although how 'they' come up with these figures is beyond comprehension. We were told to expect a 'tsunami' of hospital patients which, of course, has not happened, let alone hundreds of deaths daily. Next month we will probably see the deadly Welsh Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch scariant which, if nothing else, will test their spelling. "Keep 'em frightened and they are putty in our hands" is the philosophy adopted here. It is interesting to learn of the 'Psy Ops' used by various state departments at the start of this panicdemic to 'increase the level of  perceived threat' to make people scared, obedient and subservient. Scientists, 'experts' and the 'sackcloth and ashes' brigade from SAGE etc. are still clanging the plague bell and reluctant to relinquish their acquired taste for totalitarianism. We certainly can't be trusted to take our own precautions. And don't get me started on the BBC news with its weepy reports of someone in hospital gasping for breath (they must prowl the wards looking for them)  and the graphs and charts and daily Covid 'scorecard' with 'deaths for any reason in the past 28 days having tested positive' (even if run over by a bus or some other unrelated illness). The trouble is they have overdone it and now there are still people too frightened even to leave their homes and won't for a long time. The 'miracle' of the vaccine, which has proved remarkably effective, is being over-ridden by yet more caution. I say 'scare us all', but there is a sizeable percentage of the population which is not scared, and never has been.....any more than they would normally be with any bug and want to get on, despite any small risk, with life as they wish. Right from the beginning of this unseemly and devastating (socially, psychologically, economically and indeed medically) long period of 'lockdowns' there has been a large number of people (see the Great Barrington Declaration) which includes eminent epidemiologists, virologists and doctors who advocated protecting the vulnerable and for everyone else to get on with their lives as normal, or take their own precautions. Some hoped that this sensible approach would be adopted here! Countries like Sweden and several states in the US (Florida, Tennessee, South Dakota amongst others) which have either had no lockdowns or restrictions, or binned them completely some time ago, have been no worse off, bug-wise, than those that did lockdown. They have, however, been a lot better off in all other respects. Of course this is not published on mainstream media or mentioned by the risk-averse lockdown zealots. It would spoil their fun, and sense of righteousness. They love all the rules and regulations, however illogical and contradictory, and take great pleasure in snitching on those who break them. Keep us on a leash, is their motto, "for our safety" and will remain so for as long as a single bad bug remains on the planet. Thanks to the devious mind-manipulators the once famously doughty Brits have become a bunch of neurotic wrecks. I wonder when the gullible brainwashed public will see through all this dystopian crap!

As mentioned in a previous blog, I have a particular loathing for the compulsory wearing of 'face-coverings'. I think I have demonstrated (video 2 blogs ago) their ineffectiveness, which has also been proven by some serious trials worldwide. They are to be worn to perpetuate the fear cycle and as a form of 'virtue signalling'.

I am even irritated to see timorous beasties walking down our high streets in the open air cowering behind their masks with only their scaredy little eyes peeking over the top, or through their misted up spectacles, despite having probably had several vaccinations. I call them the 'Triple Cs' (Cringing Covid Cowards....or something ruder). Some only take them off to have a quick 'reviving' smoke. There is a negligible to non-existant chance of picking up this bug in the open air, but you can't get that message through to the bemasked Sids and Dorises who think they are being 'responsible' and 'taking sensible precautions' and 'setting a good example'. There is probably a greater chance of them being hit on the head and killed by falling masonry than dying from contracting a bug. I expect in the not too distant future they will also, sensibly of course, be wearing helmets when out and about. As I pass these self-righteous neurotics in the street I, rather unfortunately, develop a form of Tourettes Syndrome; silent thankfully, for the moment.

Neither do I have a good thing to say about the overuse of that alcohol based hand sanitiser, forced upon you in some places. This stuff gets into your body and kills off the 'good' bugs as well as the 'bad' and consequently reduces general immunity but, like wearing masks, it demonstrates you are being 'responsible' and is done more for show than effect. You wonder how the world has survived for so long without all this.

As with the mad travel restrictions (see previous) I hope I am being unduly sceptical and pessimistic and we will see a  return to complete normality, and I mean complete, very soon, even if overdue. 

I never again want to hear or read that ludicrous and patronising valediction, often at the bottom of e-mails "stay safe"! As if, after a considerable number of years living sometimes in fairly hazardous conditions, I can't look after myself without someone telling me to in the face of a relatively non-lethal virus (unless you are very old/infirm/obese etc).

The latest conversational irritant is when you meet someone whose opening gambit is a rather complacent " 'ave you 'ad yer vaccine yet?" This is sometimes followed up with a smug "I'm 'aving my second next week", or similar. I tend to reply, very politely of course, "mind your own bleedin' business". I am tempted to add "and do you want to see all my medical records?"

Other words, phrases and things I never want to hear of again in general conversation, along with Covid 19, lockdown, face masks and hand sanitiser are, in no particular order: (Anti)social distancing, self-isolate, bubbles, loved ones, tiers, circuit breaker, clapping for anyone (virtue signalling), front line heros, PPE, furlough (unless in the US forces), R rate, SAGE, super-spreader, rule of six, WFH, Zoom meeting, uptick (ghastly Americanism), graphs and score cards, variants, shielding, travel traffic lights and restrictions, quarantine (unless for cats and dogs) and Matt Hancock. I have probably missed a few.

Of course there are several people and organisations who have greatly benefitted, revelled in it indeed, from all this enforced hoohah and are much wealthier/happier as a result, namely: Manufacturers of face-masks, hand sanitiser and other protective equipment, Big Pharma companies (mega-bucks), rip-off organisations that charge for Covid tests, idle buggers (so-called furloughed) who are paid to stay at home to drink beer and watch telly, home delivery companies and all the 'experts' who provide the Government with 'advice'. Needless to say all the politicians and civil servants have not suffered any financial disadvantage.   

That will do for now! I am currently researching further destinations (that will let us in) on the so-called 'green list' following my rather disappointing conclusions concerning Tristan da Cunha. I will be looking at the Faroe Islands and South Georgia for starters. To be reported on next.....

I copy below two interesting (to me anyway) articles from a national newspaper. Unfortunately the first one is in micro-print and you will need a magnifying glass to read it. The second, when I managed to enlarge it from microscopic is legible but you need to scan up and down to read it...and it may not work on this blog format.

SINGLE LIFE 3

10th May 2021

Headline in yesterday's paper 'Hugging family and friends allowed from next week'. How utterly patronising. 'Allowed', I ask you! I never thought we would live to see such a feeble and condescending response to a blasted bug. Still, it could have been worse. They might have made it compulsory.

Also published was the list of countries you can or can't visit on the so called 'traffic light system'. 68 countries were mentioned in either red, amber or green categories. Considering there are 197 countries in the world it covers only about a third of them. So what about the remaining 129? Of the twelve 'green' listed (ie you don't have to isolate on return) some won't even let you in. Others require expensive tests prior to going and quarantine when you get there. That, together with outrageous hikes in air travel prices, makes the prospect of going to any of them entirely unattractive. 

Left: Tristan da Cunha. I noted that Tristan da Cunha is on the 'green' list. Tristan, as it is known colloquially, a British Overseas Territory, is a circular rain-swept volcanic (active) rock, about 7 miles in diameter, in the middle of the South Atlantic. It has a population at the last count of 251. It is also home to a few penguins, the occasional albatross, a few sheep and the indigenous Tristan thrush. It boasts few amenities and the highspots (whoopee!), as mentioned on Tripadviser, are:

• Calshot Harbour
• Post Office and Tourism Centre
• Thatched House Museum
• Albatross Bar
• Tristan da Cunha Golf Club

Having done a little research I failed to discover a hotel or guest house on the island. So it looks as if you would need to bring your own tent or beg some accommodation from a local, plus remembering to pack some good waterproofs.....and perhaps your golf clubs. And a 1st aid kit.

Tristan was visited, or more likely stumbled upon, by various seafarers from the 16th century onwards. The 'Capital', indeed the only settlement, is called Edinburgh of the Seven Seas, or just 'The Settlement' (right) and was founded by a Scottish soldier, a corporal, (probably chucked off a boat) called William Glass in 1816.

It is undoubtedly a very out-of-the-way place and famous for some fairly disastrous geological events, such as the mega-eruption of the volcano in October 1961 which resulted in the small population being evacuated. Probably now due for another one. The top of the vocano at 6765ft is known as Queen Mary's Peak which appears normally to be covered in cloud, or smoke.

Right: A signpost gives some idea of how to escape.

Left: The social hub of the island, the Albatross Bar, where I expect you are given a warm welcome. The local dialect is described as being 'Home Counties lockjaw & 19th century idiom with a smattering of Africaans slang and some Italian. You would probably need a local phrase book.

There is only one resident doctor, probably to be found in the Albatross Bar, and very limited medical facilities, so not a good idea to get too ill. The island's motto is "Our faith is our strength". I expect they need a lot of faith.

Right: Patrons of the Albatross Bar. The food must be plentiful as they don't look as if they are starving. Their staple diet is potatoes. A lot of them by the look of it.

The island is not renowned for its famous inhabitants. Probably the the most famous being Conrad Jack Glass MBE (b 1961), presumably a descendant of Corporal Glass who founded the settlement. He was/is a police officer and former Chief Islander and the first, indeed only, islander to have written a book about the place. It is entitled 'Rockhopper Copper'. I must confess I haven't yet read it. There are probably quite a lot of 'Glasses' on the island.

TV, internet, mobile phone coverage and any other forms of communication are somewhat limited. The daily news is gleaned from the Tristan Times which is no doubt packed with local gossip and salacious scandal. I wonder if a little in-breeding is not the order of the day. 

Tristan therefore appears to be an excellent and healthy holiday destination of choice for the more adventurous traveller or, some might say, eccentric. We are so fortunate that our benevolent Goverment has put it on the 'green list'. However, one slight drawback is that there is no airstrip on the island. The only way to get there is by ship, a 6 day voyage from Cape Town. The problem here is that South Africa is on the 'red list'. Oh drat! 

I think I will just be tempted to go back to the fabulous Lulok Island (Google it) which, funnily enough, doesn't get a mention on any lists.

SINGLE LIFE 2

 12th April 2021

A three-toed sloth.

I have just been listening to the venerable, some might unkindly say senile, Sir David Attenborough wittering on about sloths, both two and three toed varieties. They are probably the most boring and useless creatures ever invented. They live in South and Central America, sleep for the most part of their lives and just hang about, upside down, high up in trees. They are picky eaters of a small selection of leaves and can travel at a max speed 0.15 mph....in emergencies. They come down from their tree once a week to have a crap (very thoughtful of them and much appreciated by ground-based creatures) where they get eaten by jaguars. They can hardly walk at all on the level. They move so slowly that their fur gets covered in green algae. Apparently they can swim, but why they bother was not explained, and get eaten by anacondas when they do so. Up in the trees they get eaten by eagles. They provide easy targets. Zoos tend not to keep sloths because, being hidden and asleep in the foliage 99% of the time, they provide absolutely no interest for visitors. I wondered "what is the point of sloths"? None, as far as I could make out, apart from providing easy take-aways for jaguars, anacondas and eagles.  After living this half-existence in 'lockdown' for so long I know how they feel.

Which brings me on to the subject of the recently appointed Archbishop of York, the Most Reverend and Right Honourable Stephen Cottrell. I have just read a newspaper magazine article on him. 

He, along with other Archbishops, lives in considerable luxury in a palace and is paid a large sum of money. What he actually does to earn it I'm not sure, apart from prancing around his cathedral in a coat of many colours. The CofE hierarchy is not so much a 'calling' as a 'managerial business' nowadays. 

Left: The Archbish. He sports a rather scruffy stubbly beard. Perhaps he is trying to look 'trendy', albeit elaborately costumed in ostentatious robes. According to the article he is very much of the 'woke' lefty-liberal persuasion and probably likes to be called 'Steve' by his friends and flock. He is part of the recent madness of the 'management-shaped' Church of England where, to save money, many parish priests (the foot-soldiers of the Church who do all the real work) have been made redundant. At the same time the hierarchy and middle-management of this Church have been increased with, you know, 'HR', Housing, Finance, Safeguarding, Diversity, Equality, Elf' 'n Safety, and other crucial departments headed by very well remunerated 'managers' (at up to 4 times the salary of a local vicar). He, Steve, is quoted as believing in 'a simpler, humbler structure' while at the same time advertising for a personal Chief-of-Staff on a salary of £90,000 pa.  The advert states: "You will be the Archbishop's chief companion, support and critical friend for developing and refining his vision, aligning his work with the dioceses and central structures of the Church of England, ensuring his time is used effectively and strategically, and making it happen". WTF! This bullshit defies belief. Why can't he do this himself, the lazy git.

He is due to stand in for the Archbishop of Canterbury (ABC) in the near future while the ABC goes on a 3 month 'sabbatical'. Why, and to do what, is unclear; paddling in the sea somewhere, twiddling his thumbs and meditating perhaps? Can you imagine the Chief of the Defence Staff, for example, just deciding to take a 3 month sabbatical? The ABC has only been notable during this mad pandemic period for locking up all the parish churches, not even allowing their vicars to go in, plus the occasional bit of well photographed PR visits to hospitals. So much for taking a positive step to offer support to the humble parishioners. 'Feeble leadership' perhaps describes his contribution.

'Steve' says that while he is standing-in for the ABC nothing will change. Well, whoopee to that. I suspect I'm not alone in thinking that the CofE hierarchy now consists of a cabal of lefty-liberals including the modestly titled 'The Rt Revd Dame Sarah Mullally DBE, Bishop of London' and a black female Bishop of Dover, the Rt Revd Rose Hudson-Wilkin, who is a BLM zealot and who recently condemned the report on racism in Britain because it doesn't accuse us of being sufficiently racist. OK, I'm not an enthusiastic church-goer but with the likes of this lot in charge I'm not likely to become one, and I fear for the future of the CofE. Hence the reference to the harmless, if useless, three-toed sloths which at least don't pretend to be important or cost us a lot of money. If one replaced 'Steve' at York, I don't suppose anything much would change except there would be a refreshing lack of bullshit spouted.

Left: Steve again, hopefully about to have a shave.

Anyway, we have now been subjected to wall-to-wall coverage of the death of Prince Philip. He was indeed a jolly good chap and embodied the type of uncomplaining, straight speaking, hardy and good-humoured characteristics typical of so many of his generation which are sadly lacking in the 'woke', wet, PC tossers mentioned above. The BBC and other media probably did go a bit 'over-the-top' with their coverage, but at least it took blasted Covid off the headlines...for a bit.

At least some pubs and restaurants have semi-opened, but I'm certainly not going to sit outside in arctic conditions and/or the pissing rain for the sake of drinking a pint of beer. Even when we are allowed (everything we want to do nowadays has to be 'allowed') to sit inside, those dreadful face-nappies will be mandatory 'when standing up' but not 'when sitting down'. This fatuous rule was amusingly criticised by someone as like "having a pissing area in a swimming pool". I can see these, often illogical, petty rules and restrictions dragging on indefinitely regardless of whether the whole population has been vaccinated (the so called miracle to get us back to normal) or not. There will always be viruses floating about, as there always have been, and the wimps, and scientists, will now say we have to protect ourselves indefinitely "for our own safety" from everything. We truly live in a totally risk averse, timid and subservient society and will be, remarkably willingly in many cases, nannied unnecessarily forever by this and future governments, fuelled by scare stories on all forms of media (especially the dreaded 'social media' platforms). Our ancestors would have laughed at us.

I have a pretty good idea of what Prince Philip's reaction to all this was, or would be!

That, and all the other bandwagons jumped on so eagerly nowadays such as #Metoo style allegations, victimhood, enforced 'equality', BLM, 'unconscious racial bias training', LGBTQI and associated issues, Greta Thunberg, diversity quotas, de-platforming, hate crime, rejecting our history and pulling down statues etc. etc, let alone x-rated monstrosities like that ghastly Oprah Windbag interview,  would be complete anathema to him. I can imagine his private comments on Ginge & Whinge contained many 'bleeps' for bad language and turned the air a very deep shade of Royal Blue. I expect he felt keen to get out of it all before he was sent doolally. 

I had a rather dull home-bound Easter Weekend and failed to do many of the jobs on my ever-lengthening list of 'things to do'. To amuse myself I tried a do-it-yourself Easter Egg hunt. This was not particularly successful. If you hide the eggs yourself, even being particularly absent minded, it doesn't provide much of a challenge to find them again.

I can't wait to escape.

PS. A plug for one of the best and most amusing books, recently published, which hits lots of nails squarely on the head. 'Stop Bloody Bossing Me About' by Quentin Letts. A must read.

SINGLE LIFE

23rd Mar 2021

Uncle Matt, the Heating Engineer from Boilers-R-Us

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Living alone during this balls-aching and seemingly never-ending 'lockdown' (they will always find another scare story to keep us imprisoned) has its advantages. If nothing else, thanks to all hospitality venues and entertainments being closed and with no means of escaping the country, I'm saving money. I will try to think of a few others later on.

We really are living in a totalitarian 1984esque state at present and, seemingly, a large proportion of the public are happy with this. They like the State to protect them from all perceived danger and pooh-pooh any notion that we should be allowed to assess risks and make our own decisions as to how to deal with them. We begrudge such autocratic undemocratic regimes such as the Chinese Communist Party, but have managed to invent one of our own. At least in such places as China there is an upside, in that what the Goverment wants to do gets done...pronto with 'elf 'n safety' taking a back seat. No faffing around. In our version everything is put to committees, 'focus groups', quangos, elf 'n safety zealots and 'experts'. As a result either nothing, useless compromises or, as is the case at the moment, blanket bans 'in the interest of our safety' result. Pah!

Social life has come to an almost complete stand-still. Having said that there are a few brave souls who happily break the totalitarian rules. One such stalwart is an elderly lady, a friend of mine, who lives nearby. She is 94 years old, slightly doddery on her pins but with a razor sharp brain and great sense of humour. She was a wild fashion model in her youth, an 'it' girl in the 1940s/50s, with a very 'adventurous' social life She is entirely un-PC and un-woke with the mischievous mindset of a 25 year old; altogether great company. She decided, at her age, she would rather risk getting this Covid bug than hide away in solitary confinement. So, being a robust rule-breaker myself, we hatched a plan to allow social visits (she has a stock of very good wine and is an excellent cook) without alerting any possible neighbourhood snitchers.

The idea stemmed from when my house electrics recently failed and I had to call an emergency electrician. He, a charming Polish chap, duly arrived, surprisingly promptly and, wearing a face-mask but with no other 'social' restrictions, came in and sorted the problem out. So, of course, technicians are unrestricted in visiting strangers' houses. Hence I suddenly became a 'heating engineer'. I was summoned to the old lady's house which had conveniently developed a mysterious heating problem. My disguise (see top) featured an official looking hi-vis jacket with 'Boilers R-Us...Heating Engineer' clearly marked on the back, plus a telephone number. If anyone chose to call it they would be introducing themself to a dodgy 'massage' parlour in London. I carried a few tools, including a corkscrew and bottle opener. 

The 'heating problem' took rather longer to fix than expected and involved the use of copious quantities of wine followed by supper and much jollity.

I have developed a loathing for face-masks. As well as being uncomfortable and dehumanising they project an unnecessary and ongoing ‘fear factor’ in our community. Maybe that is the unspoken intention. Also, many studies have shown, both before and during this panicdemic, that they are relatively useless in stopping the spread of a virus. I believe one significant study in Denmark confirmed this. Sadly, a majority of our panicking timid population have been convinced/brainwashed that they are effective and necessary and consequently there is no end in sight as to when they will become purely ‘voluntary’ in all locations while a single virus inhabits the planet. Many people will come to regard them as necessary face-wear for ever, and just as normal, and unhygienic, as underwear! 

Some are unbelievably hypocritical, such as the lone person I saw walking across our park wearing a full face-mask and who only removed it when he sat down on a bench to have a cigarette! You couldn't make it up.

I attach below my highly scientific demonstration of the efficacy of face-masks (or face-nappies as I now call them).

Our tennis club asked for volunteers to help sweep and clean the courts. Myself and another enthusiastic (and equally useless) tennis player set to work for most of the day. Apparently it is 'legal' to do work together like this, but illegal to play a game of tennis. The logic defeats me. After several hours of backbreaking work we sat down to have a spot of well deserved, medically essential, refreshment (left). After about 15 minutes a local 'community' police lady came down to the courts. She had received information that there was a social gathering of 'youths' making merry at the courts. A snitcher had obviously been at work. Actually she was quite charming and we were much amused to be accused of being youths. She said that as she was looking for 'rampaging youths' then that obviously (more's the pity) didn't refer to us. After offering her a cup of coffee she wished us well and departed....saying she was off to find those pesky youths. Full marks to her!

I will add to this in due course as I have little else to occupy my time at the moment. The trouble is that there is diddly-squat of interest to report. I am tempted, in my imagination, to go back to the island of Lulok (see May/June 2020).

BACK TO THE BANANAS. ZAMBIA

 8th - 12th Jan 2021

The River Club main building

Before I left the Waterfront Lodge I was introduced to the owner/manager of an extraordinary establishment called The River Club. It is situated on the east bank of the Zambezi about 20 miles west  of Livingstone. It is a 'hotel' in the style of a British Army Officers' Mess from the days of Empire; very lavish and not cheap. It caters for  'well heeled' foreign visitors, not the likes of me with my tent at the Waterfront!

I was given a conducted tour so, short of anything else to write about at the moment, I will show you some of the facilities.

Left: The entrance hall in the main building.

Right: The library. Note the polo sticks on the wall. Polo is actually played in Zambia mostly in Lusaka by the White and Indian communities.

The owner has a military background and is a fount of knowledge on military aspects and history concerning Africa. In 2018 he organised a grand ceremony to commemorate the Imperial German army's surrender to the British in the northern town of Mbala on 24th November 1918. This was after their surrender in Europe. The story of the 1st World War in Africa makes fascinating reading. Look up German General Paul von Lettow-Vorbeck (The Lion of Africa) if you are interested. His grandson attended the ceremony.

Left: A silver bugle which belonged to the King's African Rifles (KAR) which is in the dining room.

Right: The 'Officers' Mess' style dining room

Left: The 'ante-room'. There are hundreds of pictures and framed photographs, mostly concerning historical military scenes and groups.

The were also several photographs of competitive rowing events on the river. The owner had in the past organised a full scale 'boat race' with eights from Oxford and Cambridge Universities.

The main building is surrounded by outlying 'chalets' all named after people who helped shape the country. They come in varying shapes and sizes but all are top-of-the-range luxurious and in immaculate decorative condition. Right: One of the smaller chalets, called Edward after a former Prince Edward...I think.

Left: A bedroom, with a verandah overlooking the river.

It is on two floors. There is a posh loo upstairs and an even posher bathroom downstairs (right). Very elegant I thought.

Left: The outdoor 'infinity' swimming pool. Guests arrive by boat from the far side of the river (which is in Zambia).The spit of land to the left is Zimbabwe.

There are several other buildings including a full sized snooker room. Also a sauna and gym called, in honour of the late Queen Mother, The Gym 'n Tonic.

The snooker room displays many photos of famous celebrities and sportsmen born in Northern Rhodesia and, subsequently, Zambia. Some of whom became well known in UK, including Wilbur Smith (author), Phil Edmunds and Neil Radford (cricket), Bob Hesford and Dafyyd 'Daffy' James (rugby) and Johnny Wilkinson's mother.

Right: There is also a full-size croquet lawn. The hoops and the post are there but for some reason are invisible in my poor photo.

Altogether this is a very smart place suffering, as many other tourist oriented places are at the moment, from a lack of guests.

Left: A rather charming little coffee shop in departures at Lusaka airport.

That concludes my short stay near Livingstone and thence back to the banana farm.

,,,,,where the normal social scene was resumed.

......and I was even persuaded to do some much needed excercise!

As an afterthought from a previous blog from December I attach a video clip of a trip around a part of Stone Town, Zanzibar. I was the pillion passenger on a scooter driven by an amusing Austrian with a Go-Pro camera on the front. It ends going around a wall of the Old Fort. Spot the only person (tourist) wearing a face-nappy!

BOOZE CRUISE AND WILDLIFE. ZAMBIA

 6th -7th Jan 2021

Next on the agenda was a 'Sunset Cruise' around a large island in the middle of the river. There are several, one of which is called Livingstone Island. Forgotten what this one was called but inhabited only by various four-legged creatures which provide the rations for the crocodiles. 

We boarded the good ship Lollipop (left) and set sail at 4.30pm. On the lower deck was a substantial and very well stocked bar.

Right: Our driver, Elstone, provided a running commentary on the wildlife we observed. He is very knowledgeable. He should be, he has been doing this for 12 years.

There were 5 of us on the top deck. Myself plus two other Brits and two Americans based in Zimbabwe where they run some charity or other. There was another small group downstairs.

We were served unlimited quantities of drink from a large selection by an attentive 'steward'. I think I definitely got my money's worth. I made every effort to do so.

There was not that much wildlife to observe. The crocs and hippos kept themselves mostly underwater so no great photos of a croc dragging a squealing antelope into the water, or a hippo out of the water. The hippo (right) was the best I saw. They make snorting rumbling noises and stay semi-submerged for most of the day as their skins are sensitive to the sun. They can stay submerged for about 5 minutes and tend to walk along the river bed. They emerge after dark to graze. They only eat grass. Or is it fish? It must be a boring life being a hippo. The only excitement they get is when they charge and chomp an errant human. So I suppose they look forward to that.

Right: A very poor photo of a very large croc. We all know what they eat...basically anything that wanders too close to the water's edge. They can stay underwater for up to 2 hours. If they eat a large meal they won't need another for two years due to their very slow digestive system.

There were lots of different types of birds such as cormorants, herons, storks and many other exotic river dwelling species. Elstone was expert at naming them all but frankly, I am not an enthusiastic bird watcher. I subscribe to the 'Geordie Book of Bords'. This ornithological masterpiece only recognises three types of 'bord'. 'Spuggies' (little birds), 'Craws' (black ones like crows) and 'Shitehawks' (anything else). 

Above: Weaver bird nests. They construct these intricate little pods hanging from branches. They make many more than they need, so lots of empty ones to confuse predators. 

We passed other 'Evening Cruisers'. This one (right) is owned by one of the local Paramount Chiefs called Chief Mbuti (or similar). These chiefs are important people and mostly incredibly wealthy. This one was thumping out pop music and the passengers were having a bit of a rave.

We were served a delicious buffet meal downstairs, and got back as the sun was setting (see top). Not a bad way to spend the afternoon and evening.

The next day I went on a Game Drive in the local and relatively small game park. The last time I was in this part of the world I went over to Botswana for the day where there is much more game. Not easy now because you need one of those useless, expensive 'Covid Negative' certificates. All the elephants migrate to Botswana at this time of year (the wet season) and there are no lions in this park. It is too small and there would be carnage amongst the other resident creatures.

There were four of us on the drive in a very upmarket open sided vehicle plus our driver/guide Gregory. He was most knowledgeable, as you would expect, and had a great sense of humour. The other three passengers (right, Gregory on the right) were staying at the Royal Livingstone Hotel, so must have been quite well-heeled. They were American/Italians and good company. They were also 'covid' face-mask enthusiasts. They never, for one moment, removed their masks even though we were in the great outdoors. I find it strange that so many people actually want to wear these dreadful things everywhere. They are uncomfortable, dehumanising and, in my opinion, relatively useless (try the vapour test!). It seems, sadly, that many people now consider them a normal form of dress....like underwear! And just as unhygienic if you don't change them regularly.

We saw lots of Impala (left).

Several troops of ghastly Baboons (right).

A few Wildebeest, or is it a Gnu, or a Hartebeest, or a cow? (left).

Right: There were many striped donkeys.

Left: More Impala.

Right: A small herd of the rare 'legless' Buffalo.

Left: A shitehawk (and many other 'bords')

Right: A smallish crocodile asleep down by the river.

We had to get out and walk at one point. This was to see a small herd of 8 Southern White Rhino. They are called 'White' from the Afrikaans word 'weit' which means 'wide' and refers to their wide mouths, as opposed to the Black Rhino which has a narrow mouth. They are an endangered species but with larger herds in South Africa. The Northern White Rhino is now extinct. 

They are protected around the clock in this park by armed guards. Four of whom had to accompany us. We found them (the Rhino I mean) near a mudbath in which the senior male was having a marvellous time sploshing about.

Left: More sodding Impala. They are most certainly not endangered. I don't know much about them except they are good at jumping (to avoid lions).

We were told that there are Giraffe in the park, but we never saw any. Maybe they have also gone to Botswana, or were just keeping their heads down.

I have come to the conclusion that I am useless at photographing wildlife. They keep moving. If you do see a good shot, by the time you get your camera aimed and focused they have buggered off. It is a specialist subject and requires much patience, which I lack.

So that is my nature lesson from Livingstone. Eat yer heart out David Attenborough!