SILLY SIGNS AND NUTTY NOTICES

30th Oct 2022

Stairs at Paddington Railway Station (London)

I have collected, in no particular order, some signs and notices from around the world which are either amusing, nonsensical or just plain patronising, such as the one above which is a prime example of a staircase plastered with needless fusspot instructions. Frankly, seeing this I felt inclined to 'rush up the stairs three at a time holding my mobile phone and not the handrail' and give a metaphorical two fingers to the jobsworth who designed these 'warnings'. I suppose they think that they are covering their backs by treating the general public as if we are all infantile suicide cases.

Left: More of the same. Pathetic. Does anyone pay any attention to them? Have you ever tried carrying a Great Dane? OK, smoking verboten but that is the case anywhere indoors nowadays.

Right: Similar. We really don't need to be told. Use the effing handrail if you want, or not.

I can't remember where I saw some of these signs, but that hardly matters. Some have featured in past 'blogs'. You can probably tell from the languages used.                        

Left: This could be considered very 'racist' if you happen to be from Duria. 

Right: A pavement (1 metre wide) notice in a local town during the Covid 'panicdemic'. If you obeyed this and strayed onto the road (just down from the top of a slope and blind to oncoming traffic) the chances are that you would be run over. So much for 'stay safe'!

Left: No doubt a 'spoof' sign, but symbolises the sort of non-roadworks which plague our motorways in UK. There are often miles of traffic cones and speed limits where nobody is working which make journeys utterly frustrating. There are also gantry signs which announce things like 'animals in the road', and there never are any. I think some jobsworth just gets his kicks out of setting irrelevant signs to bugger motorists about. 

Right: This lift measures about 3 x 4 metres. 53 pers max?! You could not get 53 midgets in there if you laid them horizontally and squashed them flat, let alone any baggage! Mr Schindler is having a little joke. 

Left: Very sensible and concise.

Right: Well it certainly attracted me! If only to congratulate the manager.

Left: Another enterprising bar sign.

Right: Well worth the money!

Left: At least they were being honest

Right: Any ideas why not? I was the only person there and I don't recall that there were any confidential exhibits on display. In fact there was very little on display. Perhaps that was the reason.

Left: This was at a showground in UK. I was not aware that killer tortoises existed. No doubt to be displayed on your garden gate.

Right: Unlike these creatures (at a lodge on the shore of the Zambezi). The residents were obviously expendable. 

Left: It didn't say when or why! Fortunately none of the passengers appeared to have hammers to hand.

Right: OK, I think we understand that. Perhaps the drivers here hunt people down.....as per the hippos and crocodiles above.

Left: I don't even know what some of those clothes are. I don't think it was outside the Cavalry and Guards Club in Piccadilly....I may be wrong.

Right: I have this sign on my garden gate.

Left: I do enjoy cheap and cheerful accommodation. However, there are limits and I suspect this establishment might even be a bit below it.

Right: Just the place if you want a nice Chinese book.

Left: Can't think where, but quite witty?

Right: Well that's a relief! I was beginning to wonder where I was.

Left: If it doesn't go 'up' it must go 'down'. I think even a halfwit could work that out!

Below: The badge to be worn with pride.

I'm sure my reader will enjoy contributing more examples for me to add to the list! 

In fact I offer a £10 reward for the best original (ie. not previously published) example to reach me before the end of November. Send to: markstephens489@hotmail.com

Right: An interesting addition. This sign was on the floor of a local shop, placed just in front of the check-out desk. The floor was not wet and there was no 'cleaning in progress' (as the far sign erroneously points out). A lady who had just completed her purchase at the desk turned around to leave and promptly tripped over the sign, with painful consequences.

It really is 'safer' to let people make their own risk assessments isn't it!?

THE OLD BUFFERS AND GERIATRICS POOL SOCIETY

 11th Aug 2022

Thanks to some ongoing minor eye surgery, your author has been somewhat confined to barracks with no 'travels' since the Poland/Ukraine escapade.

So, to relieve my boredom and for something to write about, I thought you might be interested in reading reports from The Old Buffers and Geriatrics Pool Society (OB & GPS). Motto: We Need the Rest (requiremus reliquum).

This 'august' institution has been in existance for some time and involves several 'old farts' meeting up every Thursday evening at a local pub to play Pool, and drink copious quantities of ale. We pride ourselves on our ineptitude. Indeed, there have been occasions when pub customers leave the bar to spectate and, between fits of uncontained mirth, offer unsolicited and often rather rude advice.

There is a 'core' membership of 8, of which varying numbers turn up to play, or try to, badly. Codes of dress and etiquette are published in great detail and are often, rather shamefully, disregarded.

The winner of the match is awarded the cherished, if cheap and nasty, trophy (The Bungler's Cup) and a medal. The winner also earns the task of writing the match report. 

I publish below the latest report (there have been several previous) and hope it gives my reader an idea of what goes on.

THE OLD BUFFERS AND GERIATRICS POOL SOCIETY MATCH. 

11th AUGUST 2022

REPORT

Col. Huge Spott (HS), Mr J Welfart (JW) and Bad Example Sample (BE) were on parade, 1800hrs prompt, at the bar readying themselves for action (or inaction) with copious supplies of 6X (beer) while awaiting the arrival of Mr Pillow (EP) who had indicated he would be playing. After 10 minutes, and a resupply of 6X, it was decided to cue off without him and play with a ’Notional’  EP (NEP) who had probably been put off by previous adverse comments concerning his ‘fitness’ regime and his appallingly cavalier approach to the dress code…and the impending penalties. At this point it was noticed, with some degree of horror, that JW was wearing shorts (usually only an EP indiscretion) which displayed a pair of particularly unattractive knobbly knees and would undoubtably have scared the horses, had there been any! He claimed not to have read any previous remarks. **(this sartorial blunder will be the subject of discussion by the Committee).

Anyway, in front of the normal capacity crowd (0), HS was paired with BE and JW with NEP (still no show). HS cued off and just managed to hit the balls at the other end of the table despite a mis-hit on the white due to a faulty tip (one of his own, probably cheap and defective, personal collection). JW followed and potted a red. Now something remarkable happened. In fact it was something so remarkable, never before witnessed in the long and undistinguished history of the OB & GPS, that it almost defied belief. BE took to the table and sunk a yellow. He then proceeded to pot all six remaining yellows in succession leaving just the black for victory! The crowd fell eerily silent; perhaps in a state of shocked disbelief. It must be noted that after this startling and entirely uncharacteristic performance BE did not display the customary modesty that the Society etiquette demands. He proceeded to lap the table, and bar, cue aloft while fist-punching the air and making strange whooping noises.This blatant and distasteful act of ‘gloating’ will, naturally, be reported to the Committee and result in a fine, at least. The details of the remainder of this game, which didn’t last long, were lost due to the exuberance of BE. Suffice to say BE quickly potted the black to claim victory for HS & BE. Score: HS 1, BE 1. JW 0, NEP 0

The next game, after much needed refreshments following the previous excitement, involved HS & JW v BE & NEP. It reverted to normal incompetence by all, and the white made many unintended visits into various pockets. HS was still having problems with his tips, despite much chalking, which resulted in several alarming mis-cues sending the white off in unexpected and fruitless directions. This game went on for a very long time. Eventually BE & NEP prevailed and got the black down.

Score now: BE 2, NEP 1, HS 1, JW 0

The third, and final, game was a quick one. BE & JW v HS & NEP. All was trickling along as normal with many balls on the table refusing to go down. It was about even-stevens when BE, still on a high, and with a very powerful shot, sunk a dramatic red into the side pocket. The white then ricocheted (is that spelt correctly?) and hit the black which went straight into the opposite side pocket. Game over. Final Score: BE 2, HS 2, NEP 2, JW 0.

In characteristically immodest fashion, BE unilaterally awarded himself the trophy and medal. Further ‘re-fuelling’ followed.

The entertainment was not quite over. JW suggested a game of darts. I think you had to score, exactly, 301 to win. Unfortunately BE was put in charge of the scoring which, as might be expected, became somewhat confused. Suffice to say, more darts hit various areas of the walls and floor than ended up stuck in the dartboard. BE managed on three occasions to hit and dislodge the large rubber tyre surrounding the board. JW proved more competent than others (not difficult) in hitting the board. Fortunately there were no casualties which was surprising considering other (innocent and unsuspecting) customers had to walk past our line of fire to get to the ablutions. Initially they really can have had no idea how random our aim was. They weren’t even safe standing behind us! They soon got the message and stayed well clear. Anyway, regardless of the score, the game was settled by the first to hit a ‘double’. This took some time but JW managed it eventually, much to the relief of the, by now, cowering customers.

                                   

                                     Below: HS, JW and BE (EP absent)

MORE KRAKOW - AND HOME

 14th - 16th May 2022

Wawel Royal Castle

At the southern end of the old town, overlooking the river on Wawel Hill, is the 16th century Wawel Castle. It was the home of Polish kings for over 500 years (did they ever have any queens?). 

Before I went up to the castle I wandered down to the park along the riverside.

Left: A view west along the Vistula.

Right: There was this group of people doing exercises, slowly, to music. Was it Tai chi, pilates, qigong, bong bong or kung fu?

I have no idea and it looked rather boring but they seemed to be enjoying themselves in a sort of rapt trance-like way.

Left: The bronze statue of the 'fire-spitting' Wawel dragon which provided a useful climbing frame for the youth in the park. There is a tunnel which exits from the cliff here from the Dragon's Den up in the castle. I only found out about that after I had left the area. A pity I missed it.

Right: The west front of the castle. I suspect it has been through many 'alterations' over the centuries. 

The ticket office here sells tickets to visit various sections of the castle and its grounds including; the Royal Private Apartments, Crown Treasury and Armoury, State Rooms, 'Lost Wawel' and the Exhibition of Oriental Art. Of these only the Royal Private Apartments was open. The others were 'undergoing renovation' and not due to be open until July.

I duly bought a ticket for the Private Apartments, the entry to which is inside the courtyard (left).

The rooms on view, on two floors were, to my taste, rather dull. They were devoid of much furniture and fittings and one room looked much like the others...but all were signed as being significant in one way or another.

Right: One of the rooms, and I can't remember what it was. I didn't make notes!

Left: ......and another. They had ancient, and probably very valuable, paintings and tapesties hanging on the walls, but I'm no art connoisseur.

They didn't seem to have anything interesting, like a snooker room.

Left: A 'master bedroom'. It doesn't look very cosy, and I never saw any loos. Maybe they didn't have any in those days and just used a 'jerry' under the bed or peed out of the window.

I won't bore you with any more of the many rooms.

Left:: A 16th 'still life' painting which, even to my untrained eye, looked rather good and in excellent condition.

Right: This sword, I believe dating back to the 14th century, was ultimately used for ceremonial purposes. However, the notes said that much of the hilt, blade and pommel had been replaced over the years. Rather like the Ship of Theseus...everything replaced but still an ancient ship!? (or Trigger's broom in Only Fools and Horses!).

Left: A line up of old Polish warriors at the castle wall. They provided a photo op for tourists and were very popular. Lots of 'selfies' were taken.

Right: A gallant knight brandishing his two swords. I think the idea was that he gave one to a tourist for a short, and hopefully bloodless, duel and the tourist's partner takes a photo. I didn't have a partner thankfully.

Left: This couple played very jolly tunes and had a few people dancing along. Not me, of course.

There were many other chapels, crypts, shrines, museums, other sights and a cathedral that I could have visited, but didn't. I must be running out of puff! Instead I went for a rather good meal at a Ukrainian restaurant called 'Smak Ukrainski'.

I stayed at a hotel called 'Maximum'. It was on the eastern side of the Old Town and was excellent value and well located. I recommend it. 

Back there that evening I tried to book a flight home. EasyJet came up with the best/cheapest option. I duly booked and started to check-in on-line. It then told me that a 'large' (ie. normal sized) cabin bag would have to be placed in the hold, and that would cost an extra £33.99p! I paid. On further checking-in it said that I could take a normal cabin size bag on board, for an extra £14.99p. OK, I paid for that, BUT having done it I found I could not cancel the hold baggage. What a rip-off! Having got home I am now in 'negotiations' with EastJet for a refund. They are proving anything but helpful. My recommendation; don't use them. BA flying out to Warsaw were much more straightforward and cheaper.

The train to Krakow airport was quick, cheap and efficient (20 min trip). The airport is smart and easy to navigate. As always, I arrived far too early for my (rip-off) EasyJet flight. Fortunately there is a good outdoor café (right) where I happily spent the time.

So a 2½ hour flight to Gatport Airwick where we were greeted with a typical 'welcome home' British drizzle (I had experienced sun and blue skies for the previous two weeks). At least no delay getting through passport control. I must confess, arriving at a British airport you really wonder what country you are in. The staff are what you might politely call 'ethnically diverse'.

So, back to normality after what was a very pleasant and interesting holiday.

Left: I don't know where this guy had been or what he had been eating.....rather a lot I suspect. He should go to Somalia for a bit of health cure.

I can't resist it. After seeing all those slim, trim and attractive ladies in Kyiv I came home to this, tucking in to a vast pile of fish and chips. She was probably drinking a 'diet' lemonade.

Which reminds me of standing behind a similar behemoth checking in at London Heathrow. She was complaining that she was absolutely 'starving'.

Starving? Words defy me.....

Where to next? I'm thinking.

KRAKON TO KRAKOW

!4th - 16th May 2022

St Mary's Basilica in the Rynek Glowny (main square)

Krakow (pronounced Krakov....all 'w's in Polski are pronounced 'v') contains a very picturesqe medieval 'Old Town' and, as such, is a major tourist attraction. 

After a night in Warsaw (Varsava in local-speak) I decided to be attracted and took the 11.55am train which arrived in Krackow at 2.30pm. It was another smart, comfortable and swift train to another smart and modern station which is surrounded by an extensive two level shopping mall plus the bus and tram termini. I must say the Polish transport system makes ours (in UK) look somewhat clapped-out, chaotic and seedy in comparison!

Left: A map of the walled Old Town. Click on to enlarge. Rynek Glowney square and St Mary's Bassilica at the north end and Wawel Castle at the bottom overlooking the Vistula river.

The square, measuring 200m by 200m is the largest medieval town square in Europe.

It is surrounded by cafés, bars and restaurants which all seemed to be doing good business. The weather was sunny and the place was fairly packed with tourists.

Left: Some of which seemed to go out of their way to attract the 'wrong' sort of tourist.

.....and unfortunately they succeeded with several rather uncouth, tattooed, thick-necked, knuckle-dragging, unshaven and foul-mouthed British tourists with lower lips like wash hand basins who advertised their presence very loudly. And that was just the women! It makes you embarrassed to be British.

Left: A typical and very civilised square-side bar.

Right: The Cloth Hall, on the west side of the square. This originated in the 14th century and was once the centre of Krakow's medieval clothing trade. It has gone through several re-builds.

Left: On the ground floor if houses a 108m long busy trading centre for jewellery, crafts, souvenirs and tat. The upper floor is an art gallery, apparently.

Right: The Town Hall Tower which is all that remains of the 15th century town hall, dismantled in the 1820s. Don't know why.

Left: There were lots of gaily decorated horses and carts which took people for clip-clop tours around the town. Probably rather expensively.

For some reason they were all driven by flaboyantly uniformed ladies, most very smartly dressed with ribboned hats, riding boots and long whips. This cart (right) had a driver who, from a distance, looked as if she was topless!

Left: These Segway tours were popular. They are indeed popular in many parts of the world but have never caught on in UK. They are probably banned...like so much else here, on 'elf 'n safely' grounds.

Right: I'm not sure what this "Gentleman's Club' had to offer. Probably affiliated with some of the smarter Clubs in London, but I didn't find out.

Left: Every hour, on the hour, there is a bugle call from the top white window of the  higher tower of St Mary's Basilica (see photo at top). This is known as Krakow's Call, or the 'hejnal'. It originates from the 13th/14th century period when the city was frequently  attacked by Tartar invaders. On one occasion when the watchman bugler on duty spotted the enemy he duly sounded the alarm to rouse the defenders. It breaks off abruptly as legend has it that the bugler was shot through the throat by a Tartar arrow mid-bar (considering the window is about 200ft up and 500m from the city walls it must have been a very long and fluky shot!). The city managed to defend itself successfully and as such the tune has stayed that way ever since.

It is now played by a uniformed fireman and you can just see the tip of his bugle throught the open window. Perhaps he is worried about another unfortunate Tartar arrow?

I duly paid for a ticket to climb the spiral staircase to the top of the tower. There were 270 steps! Quite knackering. I was up there until 4.45pm and missed a trick because if I'd just waited until 5.00pm I would have met the bugler. I had forgotten about him sadly.

But I did get a good view of the square below (right) and a panoramic one of the city.

At some point there was a loud 'demo' going in support of Ukraine. I was wearing my recently purchased Ukrainian baseball cap, so blended in well.

That will have to do for now. More to come from Krakow.......